


Redemption by Death

by Kukki90



Series: The HBG Chronicles [4]
Category: BUCK-TICK, Dir en grey, Jrock, MEJIBRAY, MUCC, Nocturnal Bloodlust, the GazettE
Genre: Abandonment, Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse, Biting, Break Up, Cheating, Depression, Dom/Sub Abuse, Dom/sub, Drama, Everyone Is Gay, Explicit Sexual Content, Frustration, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Infidelity, Intervention, Isolation, Jealousy, M/M, Marriage, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, No Porn, No Smut, Plot, Possessive Behavior, Sexual Violence, Stalking, Too Weird To Live Too Rare To Die Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-14 02:02:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 32,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12997404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kukki90/pseuds/Kukki90
Summary: Bad stuff happened, then some good stuff. Then some really bad stuff.





	1. Chapter 1

Preface

                Kyo slipped out of bed quietly, not wanting to wake Koichi, who had slept restlessly all through the night which was of no surprise to Kyo. The plot had been exposed the previous night, that Tatsu’s lover Masa, had in fact been blackmailing Tatsu for years. The information had been revealed to Kyo and the members of Mucc, and Kyo was charged with the difficult task of telling Koichi, that his ex-husband had not abandoned him, but Masa blackmailed Tatsu into leaving Koichi.

                Not only was the information devastating for Koichi, but for Kyo as well, believing that Koichi would want to rush into Tatsu’s arms. Koichi proved him wrong, proclaiming that he didn’t want to leave Kyo, and surprising the man, by confessing his love for Kyo. But later that evening, a knife had been driven through Kyo’s heart. Koichi, as he snuggled close to Kyo, had murmured the words ‘warm Tatsu’, as he slept.

                 Kyo had struggled all night with what he should do…ignore it? Confront Koichi? Or make sure that Koichi only saw him, by loving the small frail man, with such intensity as he could muster. The future for the couple was unclear.

~~

 

“Taka, can I speak to you for a minute, please?” Aki asked in a low voice. “Um, sure Aki.” Taka was sitting in his office. “Have you met the new security guy yet?” Aki glanced back at the HBG counter.

                “No. Should I have? I didn’t realize a new one had been hired.” Taka was curious to why Aki was so concerned. “Maybe just go introduce yourself…” Aki was acting super strange. “Uh, okay. I’ll be right back.” Taka went out the back door and out the patio area, looking for who he thought, would be a typical security guard, but who he found didn’t even come close to a typical anything.

                “Hello, I just wanted to introduce myself, I’m Taka, I’m the manager of the HBG.” As the man turned around, Taka was faced with a penetrating stare.

                “My name is Natsu, pleasure to meet you.” Taka had never encountered anyone who looked less like a security guard, and more like a Vkei band member. The man was dark and very exotic looking.    

                “Let me know, Natsu-san, if you ever need anything. It was a pleasure to meet you.” Taka bowed slightly and returned to his office.

                “Well? What did you think? First impressions?” Aki was still whispering.

                “Aki, is there something you’re not telling me? Why all of the interest in Natsu-san?” Taka was more than curious, this was so unlike Aki. “Um, no. I was just wondering about him.” Aki evaded the question, and quickly went back to work, leaving Taka confused.

~

                Life after Masa’s arrest was slowly moving towards a new type of normalcy, one that Taka was having a difficult time embracing. While he never confronted Koichi, Taka refused to give up home for a reconciliation between his best friend and Tatsu. It was difficult for Taka to accept that Koichi had no plans on reconciling with Tatsu, instead Koichi was choosing to stay with Kyo. Taka was not the only person, who wanted to see Tatsu and Koichi heal their broken relationship, but most people wouldn’t come right out and say it.

                Sato had made his position very clear, “You stay out of it, Taka, it’s not your place or business to question Koichi’s choice to stay with Kyo, so drop it.” Sato too, wanted Tatsu and Koichi to reconcile, but he never said anything, he wasn’t about to go back on his word. This was too important of a decision for the two men involved, and in time they would have to make on their own.

                It was painfully difficult for Taka not to bring up Tatsu, when he and Koichi were together, but he stayed faithful to his promise, only speaking about Tatsu if Koichi mentioned him. There was however a new topic of discussion, it was the potential love connection between Natsu and Uta. It seemed that Natsu had been speaking with Uta, throughout his shift, and even walking Uta to the train station after his shift at the HBG.

                “Are they dating, Aki? Or…” Koichi was being nosey. “I don’t think so, at least Uta hasn’t mentioned it, so it’s hard to tell, Uta’s not exactly a chatterbox.” Aki hadn’t mentioned that he was worried about Natsu, the man seemed very dark, in a scary way. Koichi was happy that the focus of attention was now away from him, as the constant questions had become an annoyance.

                On one of those annoying days, where Taka was dropping hints, Kyo had come to the HBG for Koichi’s lunch break. “Hey babe, ready to go?” Kyo was at the counter. “Yep, give me on second, I have to wait for Uta to get back first.”

                Kyo walked over the patio, getting Koichi’s bento out of his bag. Kyo had his back turned, when he heard Uta laughing. Turning around, Kyo see’s Uta with Natsu and not wanting to intrude, Kyo didn’t approach Uta and the other man.

                Five minutes later, Koichi walked up, hugging Kyo from behind. “Hi…” he whispered, kissing Kyo’s ear. “Hey sexy, I need a kiss before you eat, it’s been a long day without one.” Koichi turned and faced Kyo, leaning in for a brief kiss. “Okay, can I eat now?  I’m starving!” As if on cue, Koichi’s stomach growled rather loudly.

                The two lovers talked about mundane things, nothing of any real importance, until Kyo brought up Uta…then the atmosphere tensed slightly.

                “Who’s the guy in the uniform?” Kyo tried not to sound pissy, but Koichi noticed the tone immediately.

                “Natsu, he’s our new security guy. He’s nice, a bit quiet though, why?”

                Kyo smiled, “Uta seems interested, he was smiling a lot. Are they dating?” Koichi thought the line of questioning was a bit strange, at least coming from Uta’s ex-boyfriend.

                “I don’t think so…maybe just flirting.” _Is Kyo jealous_? Kyo leaned over and gave Koichi a nice slow, burning kiss, before changing the subject.

                “I need to ask you something, and I want an honest answer, Kou.” Kyo had turned serious, which made Koichi a little more than just nervous, “I’ll try”

                “Lunatic is coming up, Diru’s playing…so is Mucc. Do you want to go?” Kyo prayed for a yes answer. Koichi was quiet for a moment, “Yes, I want to go…Mucc isn’t a problem for me, honestly. I haven’t seen you perform since we started dating. So yes, I’d like to go.” Kyo breathed easier.

                Koichi kissed Kyo, lunch was over and he had to get back to work, making a promise to call Kyo when he got home that evening.

                As Kyo was leaving, he looked over at Natsu, who was speaking with some teenagers, near the base of Tokyo Tower _. Pfft! Looks like a wannbe Vkei kid, Uta’s too smart…what do I care who he’s seeing_.

 

~

                Koichi needed to go to DCR for a meeting with the marketing dept. and he wasn’t feeling well…his stomach was in knots. He had not been at the DCR offices since his divorce and frankly he didn’t want to be there at all. Kyo had plans, but reassured his tiny lover, that it would be fine, his chances of running into Tatsu where…

                “Hey, Kou.” Koichi’s head snapped up. _Shit! Kyo promised_! Tatsu was there, six feet in front of him. “Hi…um” Koichi was shaking, feeling faint. Tatsu saw the small man go pale, “Can I get you something? You should sit down,” as Tatsu grabbed a chair and helped Koichi sit.” As Tatsu was turning go find someone to help Koichi, Shinya walked out of a practice room.         

                “Shinya!” Tatsu grabbed the man by the arm, dragging him in front of Koichi. “Kou-kun? What’s wrong sweetie?” Shinya kneeled down in front of his friend, as Tatsu backed away, leaving the building from a side door.

                Koichi looked up at Shinya, “Is he gone?” he murmured. “Yes Kou, he’s gone, what happened? Did he say something to you?”

                “No, he just said hello…then I um, started not to feel well, that’s when he found you.” Whispering through his tears, Koichi wasn’t sure what happened, he just knew it wasn’t good. Shinya on the other hand, knew exactly what had happened and he felt a lot of joy, mixed with a great deal of pain.

~

                Later that night, Kyo met up with Koichi for a late -night dinner date. “How did your meeting go?” Kyo and Koichi were enjoying dinner at Ojisan’s, Koichi needed a few beers and ramen to soak it up.

                “It was fine, just touching base on upcoming projects, nothing real serious.” Koichi kept the fact that he had seen Tatsu, wanting to keep that to himself. “I’ll be doing more of the same type of work as before. Scouting venues in different areas of the world.”

                While Kyo and Koichi ate, Ojisan watched the two men, listening and hearing what was not being said. He did not comment, instead Ojisan observed.

                “Arigato Ojisan.” As they left the ramen hut, Koichi thought he saw Ojisan shake his head. _What was that about_?

 

                “Are you sure about Lunatic? I don’t want you to feel obligated to watch Diru. And I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable if you see Tatsu.” Kyo had Koichi’s head in his lap, gently stroking his lover’s hair. Koichi made a rude noise. “I’m a big boy, Kyo, I’ll be fine. You worry too much. I’ll most likely be with Taka and Ruki, so stop being such a mom.” _What if he tries to talk to me again, I need to make sure he doesn’t see me_.

~            

                “It was a flash back moment for Koichi, he almost fainted when he saw Tatsu!” Shinya was excitedly telling his husband what had happened at the studio that day. “Don’t read too much into it babe, Koichi could have been reacting in a negative way, unlike the first time they met.” Shinya huffed, muttering about someone being a kill joy.

~

               

                _He felt it, it was there, at least for a moment. He couldn’t be happy. He knew there was too much pain to be forgotten in just one brief meeting_.

~

                “Will you be riding with Diru, or do you want to go…oh, sorry, heh.” Koichi and Taka were making plans for Lunatic Fest.

                “Taka, it’s okay, I know it’s just old habits. I’ll be riding with Kyo and Die. Where do you want to meet?” Taka took a moment, he had to avoid asking Koichi to meet him, where he might run into Tatsu.

                “How about our little hidey hole? Where we watched from just off stage, remember?” Taka knew he didn’t have to worry about Sakurai, he knew the man wouldn’t bother them. “Okay, I’ll bring Ruki to watch Buck Tick with us. It will be a great spot for me to watch Diru.” Koichi was excited to see his lover perform, but he also knew he’d have to move before Mucc. He couldn’t watch Tatsu…ever. He knew this now, after the accidental run in at DCR. _He dumped me, abandoned me without a word, no, never again_.

 

~

                Lunatic Fest was always the highlight of every year for both fans and the bands. The opportunity for bands to watch their peer’s performances, was always welcomed. Koichi and Taka had found a small space just off stage, where they could watch the bands and not be seen by the crowd. This space had made viewing the bands, somewhat interesting at times.

                Watching the Gazette, the two friends always marveled at the difference between Live Ruki and, Their Ruki, who were really, two different people. Taka and Koichi agreed that Live Ruki was sexy, hot and erotic, their Ruki was honest, loyal and flighty.

                “Sometimes I forget, that our friends are … I don’t know, famous?” Koichi and Taka had had this discussion before. The reality of the men that they were married to or dating, sometimes eluded them, they just knew the as their lovers, not Kyo of Dir En Grey, or Satochi, the drummer from Mucc.

                “I’m going to go find Kyo, I’ll be back in a bit.” Koichi jumped up and ran off the stage, he wouldn’t watch Mucc. Tatsu, knowing about the secret spot, saw Taka, but Koichi was nowhere to be found.

                Mucc was flawless, if not a little lack luster, and the crowd sense it. Tatsu was not as energetic as he normally was, and he looked visibly drained after their set. Miya glanced at Yukke, both men wearing looks of concern for Tatsu, who had to be helped from the stage stairs.

                “Wow, guess I’m out of shape, sorry guys.” Tatsu was pale, clammy and sweaty, not a great combination of ailments. Yukke kneeled in front of his friend, “Hey, are you okay? You’ve got us all a bit worried.” Tatsu waved his friend off, “I’m sorry, I’m just out of shape, give me a few weeks, I’ll be fine.

                Koichi returned to sit next to Taka, who was disturbed by Tatsu’s appearance, wanting to tell Koichi, but then thought better of it. Diru was up next, the crowd was restless, in need of an extreme performance, by the extreme band. Koichi watched as the band members took the stage. Shinya, the quiet sensitive soul, was an aggressive drummer, attacking his kit. The others, jumping into the mix, and then there was Kyo.

                Koichi’s breath caught, when he saw Kyo on the stage. This was his lover, the man he went home to, the sweet caring individual, even if he was a bit abrasive. Kyo was the man that held Koichi so dear, and loved him. What Koichi saw in his place, was a raw, aggressive animal like vocalist, who felt every note and sang every word, like it would be his last. Koichi was mesmerized by what he was watching.

                There was another who was watching Kyo, watching the small man stretch into gigantic proportions. He glanced to the side of the stage, there was a tiny beautiful creature who watched Kyo. “His eyes are shining” he whispered. He watched for a while longer, then went back to the dressing rooms. He can hear the applause and he knows it’s time to leave, before the backstage area becomes crowded. Grabbing his sunglasses and a beanie, slinging his bag over his shoulder, he walks away.  As he reaches the station, he hears the roar of the crowd, Sakurai Atsushi has taken the stage, and now it was certain, nobody will notice he is gone.

~

                “Oh my god!” Taka breathes. As Buck Tick takes the stage, Sakurai Atsushi stops for a moment, and bows deeply to someone off stage, the crowd has no clue to whom.

                “Taka-kun, are you okay?” Ruki was sitting between Taka and Koichi, watching Buck Tick. “I’m fine Ruki, thanks, it’s all good now.” Buck Tick puts on another perfect performance to end Lunatic Fest.

                The large after party back stage had started with sweaty musicians, crew members and management were all enjoying the top catered event. Koichi finds Kyo, who grabs Koichi and bends him into a deep kiss, eliciting cheers, which leaves Koichi flaming with embarrassment.

                As the bands mingle, people are noticing that Tatsu is not at the party. “No idea, he went back to the dressing rooms, haven’t seen him since.” Sato told Miya. Kyo has his arm around Koichi’s waist, feels the slight slump of his shoulders. “It’s my fault.” Koichi whispers. “No, it’s not, Kou.” Kyo snapped He’s a grown assed man, it was his choice to stay or leave tonight. You didn’t do anything wrong, you’re not to blame for any of this! This is all on him!” Koichi pulled back, Kyo was yelling and it scared him.

                “I’m sick of his shit! Fuck Tatsu!” Kyo turned and walked out, leaving a bewildered Koichi standing alone.

                “Kou-kun, are you okay?” Shinya had his hand on Koichi’s back. “Um, yeah. What was that all about?” Shinya had a rough idea what drove Kyo to walk out, but he kept that to himself, using the other obvious reason, “Let him go, he gets like this sometimes after a live, just agitated. He’ll be fine, you can ride home with Miya and I, okay? Come sit with us.”

                Kyo kept walking, not sure where he was going. “So fucking sick of his shit!  Poor Tatsu… FUCK YOU!  It’s more like poor Koichi, he’s the one you destroyed!” Kyo stopped, “HE’S MINE” he screamed. “Damn you…” Kyo squatted down, head in his hands.

                “Kyo, it’s okay buddy, come on, let’s go back to the party, you’ve really scared Koichi.” Die was patting his friend on the back, he knew what Kyo was thinking, same as everyone else.

                “Come on, let’s go.” Pulling Kyo up, Die hugged his friend. “Kou loves you, don’t forget that. He chose to stay with you, not Tatsu.” Kyo nodded.

                They walked back to the party, Kyo looking for Koichi. “He went home with Miya and Shin, he told me to tell you that he’d call you tomorrow.” Sato was torn, he loved Koichi, he believed he belonged with Tatsu, but Kyo, Kyo was good for Koichi. Kyo loved Koichi fiercely, and to be an inside observer of this no-win triangle, it left Sato and everyone else, with no right side to choose.

                “Thanks Sato. Die, let’s go, I’m fucking beat.” Kyo waved his goodbyes and left with Die.

                “This is going to end ugly, with no winners, just losers, any way it goes.” Yukke was standing next to Sato. “I know, I just hope there are no permanent causalities in the end.”

 

                Koichi didn’t say a word on the drive to his flat. He was confused and hurt. “Here we are, Kou-kun, will you be alright tonight?” Koichi looked at his friend and smiled, “I’ll be fine, I’ll call Kyo in the morning, thanks for the ride.” Shinya watched as Koichi went in. “I don’t know how much more any of us can take. It feels like it’s going to fall apart soon.” Miya held Shinya’s hand, “And you and I and all our friends, we’ll be the safety net, making sure no one slips through. I love you.” Kissing his husband, Shinya tried to be optimistic, but it was difficult. Who’s the one who won’t make it?

 

                Ruki had just come off the stage, dripping sweat, pumped up. The crowd had been amazing. Mucc was up next. Ruki saw Tatsu, standing off to the side, looking at the floor and did not notice the smaller man, until Ruki spoke.

                “Tatsu, before you go on, I want to humbly apologize for my rash actions. I’m an emotional person, and I usually act before I speak. I’m truly devastated for everyone involved. I’m sorry Tatsu.” Tatsu smiled weakly. “Ruki, thank you. I wish I could repair all the damage I’ve done.” Tatsu patted Ruki on the shoulder, and went on stage.

                During the after party, Ruki had been near Koichi, when Kyo started yelling, he had started to move towards Koichi, ready to tear into Kyo. “No Ruki…leave it alone.” Aoi had put his hand on Ruki’s shoulder. Reita was shaking his head. “You can’t help them, Ru. They are going to have to battle this out on their own.” Ruki signed, “I don’t know who to be mad at Rei…” Aoi leaned in, “Masa…this is all because of Masa. There are three victims, and right now, we have to just let them be.” Ruki didn’t like unclear endings, he liked everything to be neat and orderly. It was going to be difficult for most of the people involved, waiting, hoping for something good to come out of the shit pile Masa left. Nobody had the answers, nobody chose sides. Everyone just waited.

~~


	2. Chapter 2

Kyo spent a week apologizing to Koichi for screaming at him during the after party for Lunatic Fest. He blamed most of it on his mental state after performing, saying sometimes he was just agitated after he came off stage. Koichi had accepted Kyo’s apology and said he regretted making the comment about Tatsu.

“I didn’t mean for it to sound the way it did! I just knew he would be uncomfortable, awkward, with both of us being there. He hadn’t seen me in months.” Koichi didn’t mention the encounter at DCR with Tatsu.

The couple worked through their little problem and then enjoyed several rounds of intense make up sex, with Kyo claiming Koichi was trying to kill him. “You’re not that old, Kyo…I’m sure I’m sure I’m not the first lover you’ve had that, well…” Koichi couldn’t finish his thought, as Kyo grabbed him and pinned him down, starting round four.

 

                “Ojisan, can I have my usual please, and a beer?” Tatsu was hoping for a quiet meal, and a beer, before returning to his flat. This was the first day he’d been out, since Lunatic Fest, he just didn’t feel the need to do anything other than exist.

                “You are alone…no husband, or that other one.” Ojisan was shocked at the horrible condition of Tatsu. “I’m divorced now, Ojisan. The other…it’s a long story, but he’s out of my life as well, thankfully.” Tatsu gave Ojisan the short story. “I must then apologize for calling you a shameful man.” Tatsu shook his head, “No, Ojisan, I am a shameful man, but Koichi is happy, he’s being taken care of.”

                “The one your husband is with now, a short man with a large presence, yes?” Tatsu chuckled, “That is a perfect description of Kyo, Ojisan. Yes, Koichi is with Kyo, and he loves him.” Tatsu ate his mean, bought another to take home. Before leaving, he turned to the man who could see everything that others couldn’t. “Ojisan. Arigato…for everything.” Tatsu left the tiny restaurant, with Ojisan not sure he’d ever see Tatsu again.

~

                “We have rehearsal tomorrow at noon, should I pick you up?” Sato had called Tatsu to remind the vocalist about the next days plans.

                “No, I’m good…I’ll see you tomorrow.” But Tatsu wasn’t good, by any means. He had not left his flat for close to two weeks, ordering delivery for his meals. He had moved into the guest room, the memories of his life with Koichi, now stained and ruined by Masa. The guest room still contained Koichi’s work station, a surprise birthday gift from Tatsu, and it was somewhat comforting for Tatsu sitting at the desk, with memories of Koichi hunched over his computer, biting his lower lip in concentration.

                Memories, it’s all he had left, and he surrounded himself with objects that brought Tatsu a small amount of comfort…clothing, pictures, even everyday things such as the rug Koichi had chosen for their bathroom.

                Tatsu realized that he was living in a remorse filled fantasy… a fantasy where Koichi comes home, Teo running in and demanding to be fed.

                “Kou…” he would whisper in the deep dark at night, to which there was never a reply.

                Dragging himself into the shower, his grief was released again, as he sobbed, praying for a return to his real life. “Kou…” He recovered enough to get dressed, but not wanting to leave the flat. “Shit” he sighed, “Get it over with.”

~

                Walking into the practice room, Yukke gasped loudly, at the sight of his friend. “Are you sick?” Yukke was at his side quickly. “No, why? Do I look sick?” Tatsu didn’t feel sick, but obviously Yukke thought so. “Maybe a little pale…that’s all.” Yukke back pedaled on his comment, but was seriously concerned.

                As the members of Mucc were gearing up, Sato nudged Miya, “He looks like hell…what’s going on with him?” Miya shrugged. “No clue, let’s see how it goes today.”  

It didn’t go well at all, Tatsu was exhausted by the end of the practice session, something that never had occurred before.

                “Hey, why don’t we go grab and early dinner…my treat!” Miya was standing in front of Tatsu, looking at his friend hopefully.

                Tatsu shook his head, “I’m really tired, thanks though, I’m going to turn in early.” Grabbing his bag, Tatsu left the studio. “What the hell?” Yukke was at a loss for words. “Let him be,” said Miya, “It’s something he has to fix himself.

               

                The depression was sucking Tatsu’s life away. Rarely leaving his flat, sleeping twelve, sometimes fourteen hours at a stretch, and his eating was sporadic at best, usually when he had to go to the studio. He had just stopped caring about anything.  It was at the studio, that Shinya saw the condition Tatsu was in, just by chance.

                “Call me when you’re done, I’ll come by to pick you up, we can leave from here for dinner.” Shinya kissed Miya. Shinya was walking to the door, his hand on the knob when Tatsu came through the door and almost knocked Shinya down.

                “Shin! Are you okay? Damn, I didn’t see you!” Tatsu’s grabbed his friends arm quickly. “I’m fine…Tatsu?” Shinya shrank back a step, horrified at Tatsu’s appearance, the dark circles under his eyes, the unhealthy pallor of skin, and the dullness of his usual beautiful shiny hair.

                “Sorry Shinya” Tatsu walked over the couch, setting his bag down. “I’m fine…no worries.” Shinya looked at Miya, who then mouthed ‘later’, and moved on to the business at hand.

                “We have one live scheduled, a short in-store set, just five songs, which need to be of our most recent stuff.” Miya was going over the details, glancing at the others. “This is not a ticketed event, so we’re not sure about the anticipated crowd size yet.” Miya wanted so badly to single out Tatsu, urge him to take better care with his health, but from experience he knew he’d be met with resistance. “Okay, let’s choose the songs, and then go through them.”

 

                The in-store mini live ended up being one of the best in stores Mucc had done in a long time. Tatsu was active, moving around the small ‘stage’, and engaging the crowd and vocally, he was perfect. Miya sighed in relief. “Maybe he was just having an off week.” He said to Yukke and Sato. They packed up their gear, and dropped it off at the studio.

                “Anyone up for a few beers?” Sato felt like he could, needing to wind down. “Sorry, I’m beat…next time, I promise.” Tatsu declined again. “Do I smell or something?” Sato sniffed his armpits. “Oh well, heh.” Yukke’s shoulders slumped “He’s turned us down, every time…” But none of the men really knew what was happening behind Tatsu’s closed door.

~~

 

                The week after the live, there was a short meeting to discuss how the live went, and also a short rehearsal to go over anything that the band had seen wrong. As the members of Mucc were gearing up, Sato nudged Miya. “He looks like absolute hell…what’s going on with him?” Miya shrugged, “No clue, let’s see how it goes today, before we say anything.

 

                He almost couldn’t make it up the stairs, he was complete drained and out of breath. Walking into his flat, Tatsu dropped things as he moved towards the bathroom. Struggling to get out of his clothes, it took everything he had, just to get through a shower.

                Leaving the shower, barely drying off and ignoring his hair completely, he tugged on a t-shirt and a pair of boxers before stumbling into the guest room, falling heavily onto the bed. Crawling under the covers, Tatsu’s mind drifted to the same place as it did every night;

                                Koichi in the kitchen, making breakfast.

                                Koichi hunched over his computer.

                                Koichi, his feet in Tatsu’s lap.

                                Koichi, under him, smiling. I love you.

 

~~

                Why not? It makes perfect sense to me, so why not?” Koichi kept shaking his head, “No, I’m not ready for that big of a step, Kyo. Please…look at it from my side and quit bullying me over it, the answer is still no.”

                Standing across the kitchen counter, Koichi has his arms folded across his chest, taking a firm stance. “Fine, but I’m not giving up, living together just makes more sense to me, but I’ll back off for now.” Kyo wasn’t happy.

                Koichi was uneasy with the thought of living with Kyo, there was just something lurking under the surface, a red flag warning. “I haven’t even been divorced for a year. I need to learn how to rely on myself and not everyone else.”

                Kyo gave up, agreeing to wait, but he was scared. Always in the back of his mind, Koichi was going to leave him and reconcile with Tatsu, it was his biggest fear.

                “I need to get ready for work, can I call you tonight?” Kyo pulled Koichi into his arms. “You better! I love you Kou” He kissed his tiny lover. “I love you, too.” Hugging the spikey man. Koichi then pushed Kyo out the door. “Why doesn’t he understand? Seriously!”

 

~

                “Wow, that’s a huge step, but he really needs to back off and respect your feelings.” Taka didn’t like a pushy Kyo, the man should know better, he knows what Koichi had gone through with Tatsu.

                “That’s what I told him, I don’t think he gets it, me wanting to live on my own again. But whatever, I’m not doing it.”

                The HBG was busy for a weekday, leaving Koichi and Taka no down time to move away from the Kyo topic and talk about Uta and Natsu, their most recent distraction. Finally, four hours into the shift, there was a slow down of customers.

                “Are they officially dating? And what’s up with Aki? He’s really weird when Natsu’s name comes up.” Koichi had not had much of a chance to quiz Aki about his feelings for Natsu.

                “I can’t tell if Aki is jealous, or scared or whatever, he just doesn’t like Natsu. I don’t think Uta’s that serious, he doesn’t seem like it, at least not like when he was with…you know.” Taka stammered a bit, Koichi waving off the Kyo reference.

                “Kyo asked me about Natsu the other night, he had seen Uta with Natsu when he had come for my break. It was sort of weird, the tone of his voice…” Koichi had thought Kyo had sounded jealous when asking about who Uta was with.

                Business picked up again, so the gossip session was done, with really no actual gossip occurring. Aki was due in and Koichi had hoped he could corner the man, to ask about his feelings over Natsu. But it was something entirely different that caught Koichi’s attention that day.

                “Kou, could you go check the patio please? Just make sure its not a huge mess, thanks.” Koichi grabbed his broom and headed out. Moving through the patio area, Koichi looked up, glancing at Tokyo Tower, it was clear that day and you could see the top. He moved over to the fountain area, where he saw a man walking away, a familiar silhouette, long black hair. Koichi starts to shake, his mouth going dry _. It can’t be, he wouldn’t, would he_?

                Just as he turned to go, the man turned around. The two stared at each other, the man then turned and walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a full chapter, but more of a teaser trailer, for things to come.

_“God, you’re so fucking beautiful, my dark child.” Natsu whispered to Uta, as they waited for the train. Natsu had his arms tightly wrapped around Uta, pinning the smaller man’s arms to his side. Uta whimpered, “I don’t want to go home, can’t I stay with you tonight, please?”_

_As badly as Natsu wanted to ravish Uta, he had a plan in place, a precise schedule, that always had worked for him, whenever he found a new child._

_“Not yet, Uta. We’ve only just met…your so beautiful, I want to cherish you and I’m willing to take my time, everything needs to be perfect…just like these luscious lips.” Natsu pressed his lips to Uta’s, running his tongue over Uta’s lower lip, biting it gently._

_“Here is your train, go home child, I will call you later, and make sure to answer, no more than two rings, understand?” Uta nodded slowly. Natsu kissed Uta one last time, and walked him to the train. As the door shut, Natsu never broke eye contact with Uta, knowing his gaze kept Uta’s mind focused on him. To have the child focused only on Natsu, was the first step to complete control, in the past, some were a struggle, there had been times that he had chosen wrongly, blinded by beauty, and finding out that the will was too strong, and having to walk away._

_But Uta, beautifully dark, and willing, longing to possession, this child will be simple, he just had to be patient, and watchful for those who may step is his way. Not this time, Uta would be Natsu’s ultimate child, the one who would prove Natsu worthy of the other’s attention._


	4. Chapter 4

 

                _Do I even bother today…no point really, in getting up, if I’m going to end up back here within the hour. Maybe I should shower, change the sheets on the bed, it would feel nice to be clean, clean sheets to return to. When was the last time I ate? Have I eaten since last night? Maybe just take a nap first, then maybe I’ll get up. Meh…too much effort, water will be enough, I’m not that hungry really. Not hungry enough to get up. I should check my phone…shit, it’s on the kitchen counter, probably dead. Wonder if anyone has bothered to call…probably not, who would? Well this is pointless…nap time_.

                As Miya hung up the phone, he felt a headache forming, right between his eyes. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he calls Yukke. “ _Come to my place…we need to talk_ ”

 

~

                “I think we need to assume the worst, case scenario, which is?” Yukke glanced at Sato and Miya. They all had tried to call Tatsu, but none of them had spoken to their missing vocalist. “Um, that’s he’s fallen and he can’t get up?” Sato joked. Yukke rolled his eyes, “Sato, really? Can you just not, please?”

                “I’m going to assume he’s just sick, maybe the flu.” Miya hoped that‘s all it was. “Well, let’s go over and pound on the door, until he answers.”

               

                “What the hell is that banging noise? Someone building something?” A loud banging noise had woken Tatsu, who was confused at the source. “Shit…door,” Stumbling out of bed, Tatsu felt lightheaded, using the walls to steady himself on the way to answer the door.

                “What the hell…” As Tatsu stood in the doorway, his friends shed a collective groan, when faced with Tatsu’s obvious deteriorating condition.

                “Man! You look like fuck, Tatsu!” Sato was the first to comment. “Well, thank you for your observation. What do you want?” Tatsu turned his back on his friends, and went into the kitchen. “What do we want? Um, we’d like our vocalist back, please.” Yukke answered. “Are you unwell, Tatsu?”

                Tatsu snorted. “Why do you ask? I’m fine, as you can see…just been taking a break from life, that’s all.” Downing a bottle of water, Tatsu looked to Miya. “Spit it out leader-san, you know you want to…just say it.” Miya shook his head. “I don’t have to, you seem to know what I want to say, so why bother?”

                “Look, I’ve been stressed out…not like I can erase all of the shit Masa did in a week. I’m fine, okay?” Tatsu hated lying, but it was all he had at the moment.

                “We have three lives coming up, in two and a half weeks, they are back to back…are you saying you’ll be ready and have no problems?” Miya was doubtful, Tatsu could in no way be ready physically for these shows.

                “Send me the info, rehearsal dates, I’ll be ready, I’m a professional, don’t worry about it.” Tatsu then, more or less threw them out of his flat.

                “He’s not going to be ready, he’s so thin. He looks like hell.” Sato was stating the obvious. “We can only do so much, but he did have a valid point about Masa,” observed Yukke. “He can’t undo the damage done by that skank, in a month…it’s going to be awhile.” They were all worried on just how long it would be.

 

~

                “How was practice? Seems like you’re home early.” Shinya was standing at the stove, preparing dinner, surprised that his husband was home sooner than expected.

                “We went to see Tatsu, he hasn’t been returning our calls,” Miya was on the couch, with his head thrown back and his eyes closed, bone tired from stress and the concern for his friend.

                “Was he that bad? Like Taka and Sakurai, bad?” Shinya placed a small kiss on his husband’s forehead, as he stood behind the couch.

                “Maybe not Taka bad, but bad like the first time he was with Masa. He blew it off of course, claiming he was a professional and he would be ready for the lives in two weeks.” Miya sat up, turned to face Shinya. “This is going against my better judgement, and all of my warnings, but…” Miya stopped. Did he really want to proceed this way? It was stepping in where he had no right to be, and involving three others…but Tatsu looked so poorly had no life in his eyes… “We need to figure a way…discreetly, to let…shit! To let Koichi, know that Tatsu’s in a bad way. But” Miya was shaking his head as he spoke. “We can’t be obvious, it has to be sneaky…subversive in a way. Any ideas on how to do this?”

                Shinya could not believe what he was hearing! “But you told me…” Miya raised his hand, shaking his head. “I know what I told you. Do you remember how bad off he was when Masa left the first time? He’s on his way to that, right now.” Shinya’s hand flew to his mouth, barely stifling a gasp. “Oh…no, Tatsu-kun!” Miya nodded. “So, any suggestions?”

                Shinya looked at Miya, still shocked that he had actually agreed to intervene with Tatsu and Koichi, regardless of his previous views on the matter. “I don’t know, Miya. I’ve stopped thinking about it because you were so against anyone doing anything…so you’re saying now you want us to intervene? Is he really that bad off, or worse than when I ran into him at the studio?” Shinya couldn’t imagine Tatsu being any worse than the last time he saw the man.

                “He’s lost probably 10kg, his hair looks like shit, his skin is pasty and just bad, and he has no life in his eyes, that’s the part that scares me the most, Shin. His eyes are still dead, as if Masa still had some control over him. But I don’t want to involve Koichi directly, that would just drive a bigger wedge between them and frankly, us.”

                Shinya was thoughtful for a moment or two, running scenarios’ in his head, what might work and what definitely not. “We could use Die…or, maybe Kyo. If Die sees how bad Tatsu looks, he would say something to Kyo about it, but knowing Kyo like I do, he’d want to see it for himself. That information, would probably get back to Koichi at some point, but how long do we wait? How do we get Die or Kyo to see Tatsu? Tatsu certainly doesn’t want to see Kyo unless he absolutely has to.”

                “We have those three lives coming up, it would be a perfect chance to let them see Tatsu in action. If I’m right, these lives may be worse than Lunatic, and as much as I hate to do this to the fans, we need to do it to get Tatsu some help, mentally and physically.”

                Shinya nodded, knowing that his husband was right, it may be a sacrifice for the fans, but overall, it was something that needed to be done.

                “How do we get Die or Kyo to the live? If I invited either one, would they think it was weird? I wouldn’t normally just ask them to someone else’s live, that would be suspicious, don’t you think?”

                Miya was quiet, not sure what to do, or think of next. “Do you think Die would come, to listen to me play a new guitar? I do have that new ESP that I bought, and I haven’t used it yet, at a live. Would that be enough to draw him out?”

                Shinya smiled, “Die loves new toys, he’s the eternal kid…and if you asked him, I bet you could even get him up to play it for like a song….as a guest performer. You could have him play…. Fuzz or even Joker, I know for sure he plays both those songs. It would be a good off set for the possible dismal performance of Tatsu.”

                Miya leaned over, cupped Shinya’s face in his hands and kissed him soundly, “It’s perfect!” Shinya giggled, “It’s only worth one kiss? I thought for sure it would wo…” Shinya never got to finish that sentence, Miya was going to show how much Shinya was really worth to him.

~

                “Guess I should do something about this…Okay! Shower first, then food.” Tatsu needed to get his shit together, at least enough for the three lives weekend, figuring he could go back to be a recluse afterwards. He did admit, the shower made him feel somewhat better, almost human. Freshly showered, Tatsu started to clean his flat, surprised on just how dirty it had become.

                “What a shit hole! This is going to take all day to clean!” he whined. Having instant ramen and toast, Tatsu used cleaning the flat as a mini workout, but it also showed him, just how out of shape and weak he had become. After two hours of minor cleaning, Tatsu had to sit and rest, breathing hard and feeling dizzy

 

                Kyo watched Gordy and Teo run though the flat at full speed, bouncing off of chairs, counters, Kyo and everything else. Gordy was a bit of a terrorist towards poor Teo, often ending up being smacked much harder than needed.

                “Gordy, you deserved that, don’t come crying to me…I’m not going to help you.” Kyo chuckled. He was waiting for Koichi to get home from work, they had not been able to spend a lot of time together lately, and it worried the small man. He was intensely sensitive about where and what Koichi might be doing, becoming almost paranoid, due to the few times that Koichi had murmured Tatsu’s name is his sleep. “Pfft, he was married to the guy, dumbass. Get over yourself already.” He snarled at himself. But it was just that insecurity, that was keeping Kyo on his toes, being overly considerate of his young lover, while trying not to smother him. They had had a bit of a confrontation, over the issue of Koichi moving in with Kyo, which he flatly refused to do, stating that he needed to learn to rely on himself, and not always others. The topic of the length of time it had been since the divorce was also a huge sticking point. Kyo figured Koichi would want to spend as much time as he could with him, drowning out any memories of Tatsu, but he was wrong.

                “Tadaima” Koichi called as he toed off his shoes in the genkan. “Okaeri, Kou. How was work today?” Koichi leaned over to kiss his boyfriend before walking to the bedroom to change. “It was weird, for sure, that whole Natsu Uta thing…I just can’t get used to it, and Aki hates it, for whatever reason. We’re not sure if he’s jealous, or scared or what, he just does not like Natsu at all. I don’t have a problem myself, I tend to ignore him, but he does creep me out a little bit.”

                This was not what Kyo needed to hear, he himself didn’t like the man, but Uta seemed happy with Natsu. “Maybe it’s just us being very over protective of Uta, I mean he went through hell with the attack by Morrie, shit he almost died.” Koichi heard something more in Kyo’s voice, than just friendly concern, but didn’t feel like bringing anything up, he was tired and wanted food and his feet rubbed.

                “How was practice? Are you guys touring soon? I don’t remember seeing anything come across from DCR about it if you are.” Koichi secretly hoped that Diru would tour, just to give him some space. The argument about Koichi moving in with Kyo, had set a burr under Kou’s ass, that he just couldn’t remove. The last thing he needed or wanted was a controlling lover.

                “Nope, just a typical middle of the month practice, we tend to do those even when we don’t tour. I did hear that Mucc was doing a weird three-day back to back live at Club G, that’s a lot of work in three days.”

                “Yah, I heard about it, I don’t remember if they’ve ever done that before, I’m not sure.” Koichi went to the kitchen to start making something for dinner, “Do you have anything to do tomorrow? I thought we could go shopping, I need a few things for the flat.”

                “Bah, sorry, I have stuff I have to do with management, so no shopping for me, but I can meet you for dinner if you’d like?” Kyo didn’t really want to go shopping, but he wasn’t really lying, he did have to go to the studio, but he was only going to retrieve some notebooks.

                “Sure, what time and where?” Koichi was also glad that Kyo was busy, as he just really wanted to shop. Things were slowing down between them, and it felt a little weird.

                “Let’s say, 5:30? Restaurant? Or somewhere else?” Kyo really didn’t care where they ate.

                “Ojisan’s! Please…it’s been weeks since I’ve been there.” Koichi loved the tiny ramen hut.

                “Okay, Ojisan’s, 5:30.”

                The couple spent the rest of the evening, lounging around, and after a late movie, went to bed. Cuddling in the dark, both men thought it was the other, when neither one made any moves for any sort of love making. Oddly enough, both men found that acceptable. The flames were finally cooling, in their over-heated romance.

               

                “Die, Miya wanted me to ask you something,” Shinya called over to Die who was packing up his gear. “Mmm, what is that?” Die had his back turned to Shinya, bent over his guitar case.

                “Well, Mucc is doing a small three-day back to back live at Club G, and Miya wanted to know, if you’d like to come up and play one of their songs, on his new ESP that he just bought? Either Fuzz, or Joker. Sort of like a surprise guest thing.” Shinya waited for the child like response from his bandmate.

                Holy shit? He bought the newest ESP? Oh, hell yah I want to do it! Has he played it during a live yet? When is the live, which night can I do this? Oh, dude! That’s going to be amazing!” Die rattled on about the newest ESP guitar, and all the fancy things it could do, and how he had wanted to buy one, but had just bought a new Schecter, and had no money, and on and on for about thirty minutes.

                “I’ll have Miya contact you, and he’ll give you the information, the live is in like two weeks,” Well that was stupid easy, Shinya thought. Men and their toys, it never changes.

                “ _Hi babe, yep. Hook line and sinker, it took about fifteen seconds for him to agree. Yes, I told him you would. Let’s hope this works_.”

 

                Tatsu was beat, worn out from cleaning his flat. It took him five hours to get it back in livable condition. He had been so out of shape, huffing and wheezing, sweating like crazy, he had to take another shower, just to feel human again. The fact that he had been so worn out just from cleaning, worried him. The upcoming live shows, he knew they would be brutal, especially the third night. He had played shows like this in the past, but he also had been in top physical condition. Now he felt too thin, too weak to even do a decent one-hour show.

                Eating a bento from the konbini, Tatsu knew he should be eating bit healthier, but with no energy left to go out and buy food, it was going to have to suffice for the night. Feeling a little better with some food in his stomach, Tatsu had had enough for the day, and went to bed early, exhausted.

~

                “ _Hey Die, yah, Shin said you were excited. So which night do you want to do this? Saturday? That’s fine, I think that’s going to be the most crowded. Oh, she’s beautiful, I love the bats on the fret board of the Damien, I almost thought about that one, then I thought it would probably be one that you liked, so I stayed with the ESP. Yah, so Joker? Or Fuzz? Hmm… we might be able to change the set list, just do them back to back, that would give the fans a huge boner! Hah! Yah, I know. Okay, sure, around 8:45 or so, Okay, see yah then_ ”         

                “ _We are going to have Die play two songs with us, on the second night, yah, just a crowd thing, and Shinya told Die about my new guitar, and he totally sported wood over it. Well, I have a plan in mind, but I want to keep it to myself...yah I know, it’s not fair but it’s safer this way. Okay, see you tomorrow at the studio_.”

 

                Tatsu showed up at the studio on Thursday afternoon, ready to go over the last-minute details for the lives. He had been feeling a little better since that first day after he cleaned his flat and almost died of exhaustion, but he still was a little weaker than he’d like to be. When he arrived at the studio, the others were already there, along with Die.

                “Um, hey Die, what’s up? Have to hang out with us, your own band kick you out?” Tatsu teased, patting Die on the back.

                “No, actually I’m here to rehearse with you. I’m going to be doing two songs, the second night. Miya promised that I could play with his new baby…and no I’m not talking about Shinya.” Die grinned.  This surprised Tatsu, not that they didn’t have guest musicians, but this was just a small local live. “Cool, I guess you boys and your toy guitars, you want to play nice together.” Tatsu didn’t mind, he got on well with the Diru guitarist. “What songs will you be doing with us?”

                “We figured, we’d move the set list around a little and do Fuzz first, then move into Joker. Both songs have good opening riffs, so Die you can play to your little heart’s desire.” Die had the biggest grin on his face, and when Miya handed him the new guitar, it almost looked like Die might cry.

                “God Miya, she’s so sweet!” Miya picked up one of his other guitars and they proceeded to rehearse, making sure that everything moved smoothly. But it was apparent by the end of the hour, long rehearsal, Tatsu was feeling a bit shaky, having a hard time recovering in between songs. He’d recover, and it would take him several minutes until he felt he could move on to the next. Die didn’t notice, as he was too enthralled with the new guitar, but the others did, Yukke going over to Tatsu with a bottle of water. “You doing okay? Do we need to take a break?” his hand on Tatsu’s shoulder.

                “No, I’m good, I just need water, thanks.” Tatsu wouldn’t look Yukke in the eyes, he looked anywhere else. “Having fun Die?” he asked the flame haired guitarist. “Hell yes, this will be epic!” They rehearsed for about another fifteen minutes, then broke it up for the night.

                “Die, we’re doing Ojisan’s after this, want to join us?” Miya glanced over at Tatsu. “What’s Ojisan’s?” Die hadn’t been to the tiny ramen hut. “Just drag your butt with us. Tatsu? You can’t weasel out of this, it’s right near your flat, and you’ve turned us down the last three invites.” Sato complained. “Okay, you’re right, I have. Let’s go.” Tatsu lead the way.

               

                “ _Koichi? Still meeting up at Ojisan’s at 5:30? Okay, yah, I’ll be there on time_.”

                “Konbanwa, Ojisan.” Miya greeted the owner, as they all walked in. “Gentlemen, what can I get you this evening?” Ojisan hesitated in front of Tatsu for a second, looking at the man. Soon the group were enjoying a hearty meal, and a beer, with the conversation turning mostly towards music and the upcoming lives. All through their meal, Ojisan watched Tatsu, glancing occasionally at the other members of Mucc. Miya caught one of those glances, and just shook his head. Ojisan sighed, _this one is close to the end if something isn’t done, soon_.

                Double bowls of ramen, and three beers in, the group was a little loud, nothing out of the ordinary, just having fun.  Hearing the door slide open, Ojisan greeted the new customers,

                “Irasshaimase.” But Ojisan’s voice trailed off at the end, and everyone turned to see who had come in. Kyo stepped in, holding the door for Koichi. Everyone just stopped, no one breathed. Kyo’s breathe caught, and he looked at Koichi, who had paled. With one look, Koichi turned and walked out, Kyo bowed to Ojisan and followed his lover.

                “Shit.” Miya hissed. Yukke and Sato paled, they looked at Tatsu, who just stared at his beer, never saying a word. Die looked at his friends, then looked back at the door. “Excuse me.” Leaving money on the bar, Die left and went to find Kyo. Ojisan crossed his arms, looking at the ground, shaking his head. “That one will fall, hard.” whispered Ojisan.

                “Kyo! Wait! Hey!” Die ran after Kyo. “Koichi, are you okay? I’m sorry, um… I don’t…” Die didn’t know why he was apologizing, but he felt the need to. “Die, it’s okay, you did nothing wrong. I just don’t want to see him. It’s fine, I promise.”  Koichi was walking quickly, almost at a jog, he just had to get away. He couldn’t see him, not there, not at their special spot.

                “Die, it’s okay, we’re fine, go on back. I’m taking Kou home. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Kyo insisted that everything was fine. Die just stopped, and watched as Kyo ran to catch up with Koichi. “Damn, this fucking sucks!”

                “Kou, wait…please slow down!” Kyo trotted up to Koichi, grabbing his arm, he stopped Kou from walking any further. “Hey, I understand, it’s okay, we can go someplace else tonight.” Koichi shook his head, “No, I’m going home, by myself please. You can come and walk me home, but I want to be alone tonight, please Kyo, don’t push me.” Kyo stopped.

                “Why do you want to be alone?”

                “I just don’t need to hear anything from anyone right now, not you, nor him. Please, just let me go home by myself. I promise I’ll call you in the morning, okay?” Koichi walked towards the train station, head down, arms crossed. Kyo just stood where he stopped, not knowing what to do at that precise moment. Chase Koichi down? Make him talk? Or just let him go…maybe forever. He let Koichi go.

 

                “Ojisan, thank you for the wonderful meal, it was perfect as always. Guys, I’m going home, I’m worn out, thanks for the dinner. Die, I’ll see you tomorrow night.” Tatsu go up and went home. Ojisan looked at Miya. “This one is suffering, and every time I see him, there is less of his soul.” Miya nodded, “We know, and we’re trying to help, but we don’t know if we can. Thank you again for the meal, Ojisan.” Miya, Sato and Yukke left the tiny restaurant, leaving a worried proprietor, who genuinely cared for his customers and their partners.

                Koichi walked into his flat, shut the door and locked it, without even checking to see where Kyo was. He had not looked back once he told Kyo he wanted to be alone. His timing was perfect, as he walked to the station and right onto a train, sitting in a corner. Koichi never looked up, if he did, he might see someone that he didn’t want to. Walking into his flat, Koichi’s eyes started to well with tears, by the time he changed into his sleep pants, and got into bed, he was sobbing. Koichi was fighting his emotions, one by one, he tried to crush the feelings. But it was pointless, even though he loved Kyo, it was obvious, he could never love anyone, like he loved Tatsu. But Tatsu was lost to him, he’d never be the adorable Kou again, and he had to come to terms with that. Burying his emotions, he had to make things right with Kyo again.

                “ _I’m sorry about tonight, it was just a huge shock to see him. I’m sorry I pushed you away, forgive me? Please, I want to see you now, please come_.”

Kyo cried when he got the text, turning around and running for the train. He ran from the station to Koichi’s flat, fumbling with his keys, he let himself in. “Kou!” Standing in the hallway, Koichi had a blanket around him, tears still streaming down his face, “Kyo…I’m…so…” Kou sobbed. Kyo ran and grabbed Koichi tightly, “Sshh, it’s okay, I understand, I’m not mad baby, I love you so much, it scares me when you push me away. I’m scared that you’ll want to go back to him, please…Koichi baby, I love you.”

Kyo picked his tiny lover up and walked to the bedroom, placing Koichi carefully on the bed. Quickly removing his clothes, Kyo slid into the bed next to Kou. “I love you so much, I want you, only you.” With those words, Kyo leaned down and kissed Koichi passionately, small nips and bites of his lips, slowly moving down Koichi’s neck, sucking on the soft skin of his collarbone, running his hands down Koichi’s side. The two lovers started to move together, slowly grinding against each other. Without another word, Kyo again proved just how much he loved Koichi, he wanted to prove himself worthy of Kochi’s love, every day, every night, for as long as it took. With a contented sigh, the two lovers wrapped themselves up in each other’s arms, and spent the rest of the night proving their love and commitment to each other.

                Tatsu spent the rest of his night alone, with nothing more than memories to comfort him.

~


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My middle name should be 'randomness' *sigh*

The Mucc three-day concert event at Club G, started with a lack luster performance by the band. Tatsu had very little energy, his emotions were dark, and there was little interaction with the crowd. The general feel of the concert, was depressing, and the crowd made it known, on their way out, that they were not happy with the performance.

                Saturday night’s concert, was geared up to be a better show, as the crowd had no idea that Die from Dir En Grey was going to be a guest performer for two songs, having been invited by Miya, to play Miya’s new ESP guitar. Die was lively, making jokes with the band and the crowd, telling the crowd that Diru didn’t want him anymore, and that he was joining Mucc. Everyone involved took it all in good fun. For Tatsu, the remainder of the night was a blur of music, his heart beating in his ears so hard he felt like he may faint, screaming the lyrics, hanging on the mic stand as it where the only thing that could keep him from falling.

                Fans noticed that Tatsu wasn’t well, some of them crying out to him, holding their arms out as to catch him if he fell. The concerned looks on the fans faces, was not lost on Die, who kept looking over at Tatsu, wondering when the man would collapse. Miya was watching Tatsu closely, monitoring his actions, watching for signs that the man may be pushing himself over the edge.

                Making it through the two songs with Die, Tatsu took a moment, sat down on the drum riser, and began talking to the crowd, as if they were a special person, thrust into a room alone with Tatsu. As he began to speak, the crowd stood silent.

                “I’m sorry…I’m very tired, I don’t mean to disappoint you, it’s not my intention to hurt you, you deserve better than me. I ruined things for you, and you hate me for it.” The crowd is silent, listening closely to Tatsu’s ramblings. “He takes good care of you, he loves you. He won’t disappoint you or refuse to leave you, not like I did. What we had was so beautiful, so perfect, and it took less than a week for me to destroy that, destroy the love and the trust, that we had built over the last four years.”

                Yukke is looking at Miya, alarmed that Tatsu may start saying names, which could not happen! Miya gave Yukke a look, nodding and basically telling Yukke ‘it will be alright’.

                “I tried so hard not to hurt you, but in the end, I’m your worst nightmare, because I didn’t have the balls to stand up to it, to come to you and tell you how I felt. Now you’re not here, and I’m alone.” When Tatsu said he was alone, voices shouted his name, _calling him and telling him that he’s not alone, we’re here for you! Your fans love you! Please, Tatsu-kun! We love you_!

                Looking up, Tatsu was crying softly, ‘Arigato, Minna, Arigato.” 

                Miya walked over to Tatsu, bending down to whisper in his ear, “Do you want to stop? We can do one more song, then an encore, and call it a night, tell me what you want to do.”  

                “I’m sorry Miya, I don’t mean to ruin things, honestly, it’s just…” Tatsu couldn’t finish. Grabbing Tatsu’s shoulder gently, Miya gave him the cue to start again, “Let’s do Heide, and call it a night, okay?” Tatsu nodded, and Miya then told the others.

                The lovely light melody of the song, lifted Tatsu’s spirit a bit, and it had an effect on the crowd as well. They were all now very concerned about their lovely vocalist, the man whose energy seemed unstoppable, the emotions the man poured into his songs, were now just being poured onto the floor, for everyone to see.

                After Heide, the band stood on stage for a few minutes, watching the crowd, who for the most part was silent after the last notes faded. Tatsu stumbled off stage, leaving Miya, Sato and Yukke, who then bowed, and left the stage.

                The crowd, as they filed out of the venue were buzzing with assumptions on what or who Tatsu was talking about. “He seemed out of it, like really sad. Did he break up with someone? Or is it family?” Nobody knew the answers, and it was doubtful that they ever would.

                Backstage, Tatsu had collapsed onto the couch, breathing shallowly, and almost unable to speak. “I’m sorry guys, I just…” Yukke sat on the couch next to Tatsu, “It’s okay, we understand, we want to help, you just have to let us! Don’t try to do this alone, Tatsu. We’re more than your bandmates and friends, we’re all family…we have been for decades. We care about you, and your pain is ours as well.”

                Kneeling in front of Tatsu, Sato reached up and shagged Tatsu’s hair. “Dude, if you keep this up, we won’t have a band, there will be no Mucc. We don’t want that to happen, let us help you, okay?”

                As leader-san, Miya didn’t say anything as he watched as his two friends tried to help Tatsu.

 

~

                He couldn’t remember a time when he felt this exhausted, not during tour season, recording sessions, or sitting with Koichi when he was in the hospital. He felt sick to his stomach, like he was going to vomit at any moment. Having drank a lot of water during the live and after, but not having enough food throughout the day, Tatsu had a bad case of the shakes. Walking up the stairs to this flat, his legs felt like they were going to give out at any second. “Fuck, I need to eat, now.” He mumbled to himself.

                Opening his pantry, he saw three things; rice, ramen and udon, not a damned thing more substantial than carbohydrates. Grabbing both the udon and ramen, Tatsu made himself what he was passing off as dinner. He thought about getting a beer out of the fridge, but reconsidered after the shaking had not completely gone away, he settled instead for a juice mix.

                He hated feeling this tired, there was nothing worse than being shaky tired and having to still function for a time. Food, check. Shower, next. Bed, last. It took less than fifteen minutes, and Tatsu fell into bed, pulling the night over his head, blocking out the harsh reality of his life, his new life without Koichi.

~

                “ _He looked bad, Kyo…I’m talking like dying bad. It was scary. Then he started rambling, talking about all kinds of shit. I dunno, Kyo. He might not make it. As shitty as it is, unless he accepts help, he’s going to die_.”

                _Pfft, die? Really? Tatsu’s going to die? Hard to believe that shit. But…Taka almost died when he was with Sakurai…could this be the same? Do I tell Koichi or not? Shit. Maybe I’ll check it out for myself. Die has to be exaggerating, Tatsu can’t be that bad off_.

~~

                “Hey baby, how was your day?” Kyo walked into Koichi’s flat, dodging a fleeing Teo, followed by Gordy at full speed. “It was okay, did some DCR stuff early this morning, short shift at the HBG. Boring regular day shit for me.” Kyo hugged Koichi from behind, nuzzling his neck, biting his ear gently. Koichi let out a tiny moan, which went straight to Kyo’s cock, making it twitch. “Kou…don’t make those noises around me…unless you have plenty of time.”

                “Well, I have enough time, do you? Didn’t you have to meet up with Kaoru and Toshiya tonight?” Kyo sighed, laying his head on Koichi’s shoulder. “You had to say it, you had to go and remind me that I have adult things to take care of, instead of fucking you into the wall. Yes, I do have a meeting with Kao and Totchi, in about…oh, an hour. Which leaves me time to eat and that’s it. Will you be up later? I could always sneak in for a little late-night snack” Kyo curled his lip, winking at his lover.

                “Bah! No, I won’t be, I have the early morning meeting at HBG, and then Aki and I open for Taka.” Koichi started to pout, biting his lower lip, which always drove Kyo crazy. “The lip thing, Kou. I don’t really want to have to explain to my band mates that I had to jerk off before the meeting, because you kept biting your lower lip.” Kyo kissed the lip instead.

                Leaving Koichi’s flat, Kyo muttered to himself about the issues not being a problem if they lived together, not only that, Kyo might be able to make it a permanent arrangement. Living with Kou, he might be able to persuade his lover to re-marry, but he knew it was a long shot. Koichi was gun shy, pretty confident that he didn’t want to get married after being divorced, less than a year. “FUCK!” Kyo shouted, leaving some people on the street to stare.

                Kyo also hated lying to his lover, but it was unavoidable at times, like tonight. He had no meeting with Toshiya and Kaoru, he was however, going to sneak into Club G and check out Tatsu’s supposed death bed performance, as Die had told him, earlier in the day. “He’s not dying, he’s faking it to make everyone feel sorry for him…not happening with me, I can see what you’re doing Tatsu.” Kyo was still muttering as he got on the train for the club.

~

                “We can cancel tonight, Tatsu. I don’t want you making yourself sicker than you already are, this isn’t the end of our career if we cancel a show.” Miya now believed that Tatsu needed to be hospitalized, due to his condition. The sallow skin, the hair that had begun to fall out, and the dark death like circles under his eyes, that may not be able to be hidden with makeup.

                “No, it’s the last one, I’ll be fine, I’ll make it through, then I’ll go to the doctors, I promise. Let’s just do this. Layering more makeup, Tatsu applied some extra concealer, and put his hair up in a pony tail, keeping it from falling out on stage. Leading the way to the stage, Sato was anxious…Yukke was just plain scared, and Miya…he was uncertain if this could be Tatsu’s last live.

                Kyo was standing against a wall, close to the stage at Club G. He had a hat on, and long sleeves, trying not to be seen, and it was working. The only people who knew he was here, was management and staff. The crowd was impatient to see Mucc, they paid no attention to him at all.

                Watching the band coming on stage, he waited to see Tatsu. Sato was first on stage, followed by Yukke and Miya. The crowd was already cheering, until Tatsu came on stage, then it happened. The crowed became confused, Tatsu was staggering onto the stage. Whispers of ‘is he drunk? Or sick?’ could be heard. Shouts from the crowd for ‘Tatsu-kun, we love you’, rang out through the venue. Leaning heavily on the mic stand, Tatsu apologized to the fans. “I’m feeling a bit under the weather, gomennasi I’ll work hard to make sure you enjoy the show.”

                Kyo was absolutely stunned at Tatsu’s physical condition. “Shit, Die wasn’t lying.” Tatsu made a valiant attempt in keeping up the energy in his singing, but it was simple to see, that he just couldn’t do it. Sitting down at one point, on the drum riser, Tatsu sang sitting down. He was slowly sinking, his voice becoming weaker as he sang. As he stood up and reached for the mic stand, he wobbled for a second, and then fell into a heap. It took several seconds for the others to see that he had collapsed, but when they did see, they dropped everything and ran to Tatsu.

                “Hey! Tatsu, hey, come on. Let’s get you up! TATSU! COME ON GET UP!” Yukke was screaming, almost hysterically. “GET SOMEONE OUT HERE NOW!” Miya yelled at his manager.

                The crowd had gone silent, nobody said a word. You could hear some of the fans crying, Sato was trying to pick Tatsu up, but he was in an awkward position.

                Kyo had his hand in front of his mouth, he wanted to go help, but he knew if he did it would make things worse. Watching the frantic activity on stage, Kyo finally believed what Die had told him, Tatsu could possibly die tonight. Making his way out of the venue, Kyo called Die.

                “ _You were right, he just collapsed on stage. No, I can’t tell what’s going on, I left before anyone could see me. Yah, I’m sure. Shin will call us tomorrow I’m guessing. No, I can’t tell him, he thinks I had a meeting with Kaoru and Toshiya. I know it damn it Die! Fuck! Call me if you hear anything tonight, I’m going home_.”

 

~~

 

                “DAMN IT! WHERE’S THE DAMN PARAMEDICS! Tatsu…hey buddy, wake up! Come on Tatsu, don’t do this to us…FUCK WHERE ARE THEY?” Miya was shouting, Yukke was near Tatsu’s head, just petting his hair, murmuring “Tatsu, you can’t…come on, we already almost lost the others, we can’t…you…”

                Sato was trying to get people to move out of the way, he could hear the manager of the venue tell the crowd that Tatsu was being taken care of, and everyone would receive a refund for the ticket if they wanted one. He also said that he would leave the box office open the following day for anyone that needed to come down to Club G.

                The paramedics arrived, and were briefed by Miya and Yukke on what the issues were, what had led up to the collapse. As Tatsu was loaded onto a stretcher, he briefly regained consciousness, “Miya? I’m sorry leader-san, I’ve messed up again. Please don’t be angry.” Then he slipped back into the darkness. Tatsu was then loaded into an ambulance and taken to the hospital.

                The band members asked for the crew to pack everything up, they were going to the hospital and yes, they would contact them when they had any news. The whole crew was almost paralyzed with grief.

                “I can’t believe we’re going to this damned hospital AGAIN! They should rename it DCR Hospital.” Sato shook his head, this was becoming an all too familiar pattern, and he was frankly sick of all the shit that had happened to all of them in the last four years. Yukke said nothing, he was pale, and shaking. Sato reached over and clasped his friend’s shoulder, “He’s going to be okay, don’t worry.” He said softly.

                “Shin, we’re on the way to the hospital, Tatsu collapsed on stage. Could you please call Taka, for Sato? Thanks babe.” Miya closed his phone. “Fuck,” he groaned, “We knew this would happen, we warned him and he blew us off…why? Did Masa fuck him up so badly he wants to die? What about Kou? He’s going to be… shit, I don’t know anymore.” Miya had his head in his hands, just whispering to himself.

                Arriving at the hospital, the men didn’t even have to ask where to go. They automatically went to the same room, the DCR waiting room as it was, and waited for a doctor to speak with them.

                Kai, Shinya and Taka arrived after about an hour, each going into their lover’s arms, each of them crying and bewildered. “What happened? Is it what we thought?” Miya nodded, “He just fell, he took a step towards the mic stand, and then dropped. He woke up for a second and apologized to me for being a problem.”

                Kai was trying to comfort Yukke, who was sobbing. “Yukke, baby. It’s okay, Tatsu-kun will be okay. It happened where there was help right away, he’ll be okay.” But Kai thought he might be lying to himself. Would Tatsu be okay? Or…

                “I should call Koichi, let him know.” Taka had his arms around Sato’s waist, leaning hard into his husband. “No, Kyo will do it. Shinya called Die, and I’m sure by now, Kyo already knows. I don’t want Koichi to feel like he’s obligated to come down here. It’s up to him, Taka.” Sato wanted nothing more than to call Koichi and tell him, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t his place, it was up to Kyo.

 

                It had been close to four hours before a doctor came to speak to them. He wasn’t the same one that had tended to the others, after the Morrie attacks, nor the one who helped Taka. But this doctor was younger and a bit stunned when he saw who was waiting to speak to him.

                “Tatsu is resting comfortably right now. We think he was almost in cardiac arrest, due to malnutrition, dehydration and about 15kg underweight. His heart couldn’t stand the stress that his body was taking. He is also running a fairly high fever of 104. We’ve got him stabilized, but he’s not conscious at this time. I’ll be back in a few hours to update you.”

                “15kg underweight? Holy shit…That can cause heart problems?” They were all stunned, not knowing what to think, just that they knew they had to stay, until Tatsu woke. It was going to be another long vigil at the hospital, an unwanted repetition from the past.

 

~~

                “Okay, thanks Shin. I’ll let him know.” Kyo closed his phone. Turning over, he looked down at the beautiful face of his lover, sound asleep, with no worries. He knew what happened with Tatsu, he watched the man fall to the ground, scared the crap out of him. He knew he’d have to tell Koichi, but how and when, and did he really want to? _Pfft, of course I have to, that’s not an option. But how to tell him? ‘Hey Kou, your ex-husband is close to death, let’s go have lunch.’ Maybe wait until I hear what his condition is tomorrow, then I’ll tell him_.


	6. Chapter 6

Kyo was gone when Koichi woke the next morning, leaving a note saying he would call him later. As Koichi got ready for his day, he got to thinking that Kyo leaving and not waking him before, was a little off kilter for his boyfriend, who so desperately clung to him at times. “Whatever” Kyo got ready to go, and walked to the train. Arriving at work, Koichi tried to open the door, finding it still locked. Knocking on the door, he called out for his friend “Taka? Hey, open the door, it’s Kou.” He stood there waiting. “Weird.” Going over to sit on the wall to wait, figuring Taka was just running late.

                “Hey, why are you out here?” Aki and Uta walked up, surprised to see Koichi waiting on the wall. “Taka’s not here yet,” he looked at his watch, “Weird, he’s always on time. Hope nothing’s wrong.” The trio continued to wait for their manager, but after thirty minutes, Koichi started to worry. “I’m going to try to call him.”  Koichi opened his phone, dialing Taka’s number…  “Hmm, no answer.” Aki and Uta were equally puzzled.

                “Hey! Sorry I’m late!” Taka ran up to the door of the HBG. “Had a long night, and um, I over slept. Since I’m late, you guys will get paid for the whole time we were supposed to have the meeting.” Taka opened the door, and they ran through a very quick meeting before opening the counters.

                “Kou, could I see you in my office for a minute.” Taka was shaking, not sure how he was going to tell Kou, and really worried on how Koichi was going to react when he heard the news.

                “Close the door.” Taka said seriously. “Uh, what’s wrong, Taka?” Taka had Koichi sit down, and taking a deep breath, he started. “Last night, during a live, Tatsu collapsed on stage.” Taka waited, seeing Koichi’s eyes get wide. “It doesn’t look good for him, he’s in ICU right now.” Koichi was confused, why would Tatsu collapse while on stage? “What happened? Tell me the truth Taka,”

                “Tatsu’s been really rough since the whole Masa thing. I’m sure you know that much, you’ve seen him…well avoided seeing him. He’s been holed up in his flat, evidently not eating nor taking care of himself. Sato and the others had to go bang on his door, and he almost couldn’t walk to answer it.”

                Taka waited, seeing if Koichi would say anything, and then continued. “He’s 15kg underweight, he’s running a fever of 104, he’s dehydrated, all of this was too much for his heart. He had a cardiac episode, which I guess is something like a pre-heart attack.”          

                “He did the first two lives, and wasn’t doing well then. This last one, last night, put him over the edge. Sato said it scared the shit out of him, Tatsu just dropped. We didn’t know if we should tell you, but you might have heard it from Kyo later. I wanted to be the one to tell you, not Kyo.” Taka sat back, waiting for a reaction.

                “Is he going to die, Taka? Seriously…is he?” Koichi whispered. “I don’t think so, he’s bad, but they think he’ll be okay, it’s just going to take a while. He’s also not speaking, hasn’t said a word since he regained consciousness. What do you want to do, Kou? Do you want to go to the hospital? Tatsu might speak to you.”

                Koichi was speechless, he didn’t know what to do, or say. He just got up, and walked out the back door, walking to the patio area and sat by the fountain.

                “What’s going on Taka? What’s wrong with Kou?” Aki and Uta peered out the back door, watching Koichi. “Tatsu’s in the hospital, he collapsed last night on stage, he’s pretty bad.” Both men just shook their heads. “Why can’t he be happy? It’s not fair! I’m so tired of everyone not being happy!” Uta went to the back of the store, in the storage area, Taka could hear the sensitive man sobbing.

                “What’s he going to do? You think he’ll go to the hospital?” Aki was still watching Koichi.

                “I don’t know, Aki. I can’t tell. If he leaves that’s fine, but if he says for the shift, just keep an eye on him for me please.”

~~

                What should I do, I don’t know what to do! Kyo, I need to talk to Kyo. Pulling out his phone, he dialed Kyo’s number. “Hi babe, what’s up?” Kyo knew why he called.

                “You know, don’t you? I don’t know what to do, Kyo. Should I go see him? If he…if he, I have to talk to him… don’t I?” Kyo wanted to tell Koichi no, he didn’t have to go see him, but that would be cruel. “If you think you need to see Tatsu, I’ll take you over there. I’m never going to tell you not to see him, Kou. You’re still connected to him in a sense. Do you want me to find out how he’s doing? I can call you back or come get you.”

                “Yes please, I’m going to tell Taka I want to leave, he’s the one that told me. I’ll wait for you here.” Koichi closed his phone.

                “I’m going to leave, I’m going to the hospital, Kyo’s taking me.” He said in a small voice. “Okay, that’s fine. Call me, come to see me, anything you need, just call me Kou. I love you.” Taka hugged his bestie, hoping for the best outcome.

                “ _How’s he doing? Okay, well Koichi wants to see him, so I’m bringing him to the hospital. In that same room? Okay, we’ll meet you there_.”

                “Hey, we’re going to meet up with Miya and Shin, they’re already at the hospital.” Kyo leaned over and kissed Koichi on the cheek, wondering if this would be the last time he would get to kiss his lover.

~~

 

                “Tatsu, how are you feeling? I’m going to examine you, listen to your heart and check your temperature.” The doctor moved around Tatsu’s bed, going through his exam. Tatsu never made eye contact, never said a word. Whether or not he knew what was going on, was anyone’s guess. “Tatsu, I’m going to call Dr. Maeta, I’m sure he’ll be able to help you.” The doctor then left the room.

 

                _Why? It’s pointless. I don’t need to see Maeta, there’s nothing anyone can do. Just leave me alone, go away. I’m tired, I need to sleep, be alone. I don’t matter to him anymore. He’s made his choice and it’s not me_.

 

 

                “Kou-kun!” Shinya rushed over and grabbed Koichi in a bear hug, “Shin, Taka said…he’s …” Shinya led Koichi to the couch, “Sit down, Kou. Let Miya fill you in.”

                “He’s been shut up in his flat for the last 2 months, basically ever since Masa was hauled away. We figured he was just, you know, tired and hurt. Everything that had happened, probably just came crashing down. He ignored our phone calls, when we did see him, we’d invite him for dinner, or beers, and he would always decline. He just started going downhill. The last time we saw him right before the lives, was when we all went to Ojisan’s with Die…the night you came in. It seemed like that was the final blow, somehow. He really shut down after that. We barely got him to do the lives. The first one sucked, the second one, when Die played with us, and he went on a strange rambling conversation, sort of addressing the crowd, but it was about you, and what he’d done to you.” Miya was staring at the floor while he talked. “The last night, we did three or four songs, he sat down on the drum riser, and started to sing from there. He stood up, tried to walk to the mic stand and just went down. He just collapsed in a heap. Scared the shit out of the crowd, then he was brought here.”

                Shinya had Koichi’s hand in his, one hand rubbing his back. “Kou-kun, did Taka tell you about his condition? The heart issue and all of that?” Koichi nodded, “He said that he almost died, that he still…maybe could.”

                During the discussion with Koichi, Kyo was standing in a corner, away from the group, watching the man he loved, fall apart over his ex-husband. Kyo was struggling to keep it together, to not break down and run over and drag Koichi out, keeping him away from Tatsu. Deep down, he knew he couldn’t do that, he knew that he really was just buying time. Koichi was never going to be his forever, looking at him, sitting with Shinya, fretting over Tatsu, Kyo knew he had to just grab the happiness while he could, for as long as he could, and he’d have to be satisfied with that, and the continuing friendship of the younger man.

                “Can I go see him? Kyo, do you mind if I go see Tatsu? Would you take me to see him, Kyo?” Koichi was almost whimpering, which broke Kyo’s heart. “Of course, babe, I’ll take you to see him. It might help him, seeing the adorable Kou again.” Kyo heard a small gasp from Shinya, when he referenced Tatsu’s pet name for Koichi. Looking over, Shinya had tears in his eyes.

               

                “Can I come in Tatsu?” Koichi tapped on the door, and walked in. Tatsu was lying in his bed, not responding, not really looking at anything. Just a blank stare on his face. Koichi walked over and sat next to the bed. “Hi, Shinya told me you were sick, so I came to see you. You haven’t been taking care of yourself, shame on you, Tatsu. You know better than that, you know when you don’t eat you get cranky.” Koichi moved the blanket around, tucking it in, and smoothing it, just tiny little things. Kyo was outside, he could hear Koichi talking to Tatsu.

                “You need to get better, you can’t let the fans down, Mucc needs to get ready for tour season. Shinya told me that Die played with you the other night, that he got to play Miya’s new guitar, I’m sure he was like a big kid, playing with a new toy.” Koichi paused, and leaned closer to Tatsu’s ear. “Please, don’t die Tatsu, please… I need you, I don’t want to lose you, please, just look at me, just once. Squeeze my hand if you hear me.” He waited, but there was no squeeze. He stood over Tatsu, looking him in the eyes, taking his hand and smoothing some hair away from Tatsu’s face, gently brushing his fingers across his ex-husband’s face. “Tatsu, please… you have to get better, if you don’t, I won’t be the adorable Kou anymore. You’re the only one, well, Shinya too, but you’re the only one that matters to the adorable Kou.”

                He stood there looking down at his former lover, and then he saw it, a tiny tear trying to escape the corner of Tatsu’s eye. “I know you can hear me Tatsu. You need to let me say this. I forgive you, for everything. It still hurts, every day, every breath. But I know what you did, you thought it was the best thing, but you’re wrong, you should have trusted me, and told me. But it’s done, and Masa is gone for good.” Koichi swept the tear away with a finger, then he leaned down and placed his lips, softly against Tatsu’s, a brief chaste kiss. “I love you, Tatsu. I always will. Please, get better so we can talk. We need to go to Ojisan’s, you need to meet Gordy, my new kitten. He’s a terrorist, poor Teo, he doesn’t know what to do. Please, Tatsu, for me? Okay?” Standing up, Koichi looked at his first love, then walked out the door.

What he missed was Tatsu whispering, “Kou, you came.”

 

                Kyo was ready, had wiped his eyes so Koichi didn’t see that he was crying. Holding out his hand, Koichi took it in his, and then leaned into Kyo, “He doesn’t even know you’re there. He didn’t really even see me, I told him he couldn’t die, that I’d never forgive him for that.” Koichi didn’t tell Kyo, that he did in fact, forgive his ex-husband for the way he had treated him. But Kyo didn’t need to know about that. It was Koichi’s secret. It was also a secret, that Koichi still loved Tatsu, but it was not a very well, kept secret.

                “Shin, let me know if anything changes, please. If he starts talking or whatever. I’d like to come and see him again, maybe in a week or so. Hopefully he starts to recover soon.” Hugging Shinya and Miya, Kyo took Koichi home. “Thank you for understanding, and letting me see Tatsu.” Kyo cupped his lovers face, kissing him gently, counting how many kisses he may have left, before Koichi returned to Tatsu.

 

~~

                “So, this is a waste of my time, eh Tatsu? You have no plans on talking to me about what’s going on in your life. Well, since you’re non-verbal, you can’t or won’t answer any questions posed to you from you doctors or me, we can only assume that you’re a danger to yourself. So, I’m recommending that you be admitted to the psychiatric unit for observation, when and until you decide that you’d like to speak with me.”  Dr. Maeta got up and left the room.  _Why does even bother, yes, it’s a waste of time. I’m not going to be here long enough for them to worry about it_.

                “I’ve recommended that Tatsu be admitted to the psych ward, since he refused to answer any questions from me or his doctors. This is for his own protection. When and until he will talk, I can’t recommend anything else for him.”

 

~

                “The psychiatric ward? Are you sure?” Koichi was stunned by what Taka was telling him. “I guess since he’s not speaking to anyone, they thought he might hurt himself. They didn’t say for how long he’d be there.” Sato had told Taka the night before, that Dr. Maeta had placed Tatsu in the mental health ward.

~

                “Did you hear about Tatsuro? Well, after he collapsed on stage, they put in the psych ward at the hospital, he wont talk to anyone. Damn… this is bad. Should we go try to visit him?”

                “Oh Tatsuro, my friend. How did you get yourself mixed up in this? Masa is still hurting you, from his isolation. What can we do for you?”

               

~

“Official statement from Danger Crue Records; Mucc will be on temporary hiatus due to the serious health issues being faced by Tatsuro. There will be a short email briefing following this announcement. Please refer all questions to the management at DCR.”

~


	7. Chapter 7

Koichi was awake, lying in bed with Kyo, breathing softly as not to alert his lover that he was anything but asleep. The vision of Tatsu’s face flashed in Koichi’s mind. The blank stare was seared into his brain. _He wasn’t even there, why didn’t he see me? Why? The tear, who was it for, me or him? He wants to die, he’s so full of guilt, he no longer wants to live. He wants to die because I don’t love him anymore. Do I love him? What about Kyo? Do I love Kyo the way I loved Tatsu? No, I’ll never love anyone like that, Kyo loves me…but is it enough? I know he would lay down his life for me, but is it enough? Tatsu and I…it was love at first sight, that’s all I ever thought of it as. I fell in love with Tatsu, before I had ever met him. He said he loved me from that first night at the HBG, but… what about now? If he loves me, if he still loves me, shouldn’t he want to speak to me? Talk to me, tell me how much he still loves me? Can I really forgive him? I don’t know what to do! Someone, anyone please tell me what I should do_!

                These thoughts chased Koichi’s sleep all night, never letting up for more than a few minutes. The next morning, it was obvious to Kyo, that his tiny lover had had a rotten, rough night.

                “Kou, what’s on your schedule today? Can you maybe stay home and rest? I’m sure DCR and Taka would understand if you did.” Kyo had Koichi in a warm embrace, rubbing his lover’s back, petting Koichi’s hair, trying to soothe the young man.

                “I think I’m going to stay home, you’re right, everyone will understand.” Kyo cupped Kou’s face in his hands, gently kissing the boy he loved beyond life. “I’ll let you alone, I know you don’t need me hovering over you all day. If I hear anything, I’ll call you. Call me later tonight, I’ll bring you dinner if you’d like.” _One more kiss, how many are left? One more hug, not enough_. Kyo said his goodbyes, and left for his own flat, torn apart inside, knowing it wasn’t going to last very long. His heart was slowly dying.

~

                “He still won’t speak? Why? I don’t understand this part of it at all.” Shinya had called Koichi with an update of sorts, but with not much change, Tatsu’s condition was still puzzling to everyone. “The doctors say it’s mental, or emotional trauma, probably brought on by all that’s gone on for the last six months. Masa, having to live that lie for so long, and having to lie to you, and push you away. It’s all too much for Tatsu-kun to handle. Kou-kun, I know you don’t know, or maybe you do, but Tatsu was devastated, just torn apart when you divorced him, it broke him completely. Now, I’m not blaming you, it is NOT your fault! All of this is Masa’s fault, 100%.” Shinya was holding Koichi’s hand, comforting his young friend. Shinya had called earlier, just after Kyo left, wanting to come and visit Kou, try to help him understand what Tatsu went through, during their separation.

                “I understand that part Shin, but Masa’s gone now, so why is he still so… why does he want to die? It can’t be because of me…can it?” Koichi was pale this morning, he told Shinya he’d not slept well, worried about both Tatsu and Kyo.

                “I can’t fix it though! I don’t know what to do about Kyo, or Tatsu. Shinya, please tell me what I have to do! I can’t do this by myself.” Koichi leaned his head on Shinya’s shoulder, trying so hard not to break down.

                “Kou, all you can do is what you’re doing now. Listening to your friends when they try to explain what had happened when you were gone, what Tatsu went through with Masa. It was ugly Kou-kun, Masa has no soul, no conscious…he would stoop so low, just to have Tatsu. He’s a sick twisted asshole.”

                “Should I go see Tatsu again? Do I tell Kyo? He’s already looking at me strangely, like I’m going to run off. But that’s the other problem, what do I do about Kyo? I love him, but not like I …” Koichi stopped, he knew he didn’t need to explain his love for Tatsu, to Shinya.

                “I think, for Tatsu’s sake, you should visit him. I can’t tell you what do about Kyo, he’s going to be hurt either way. I’m going to tell you something, I don’t want you to repeat it. Most everyone we know, all of our close friends, believe in their hearts, that you and Tatsu belong together. We know what happened, we understand Tatsu’s reasons, but none of us wanted you to divorce him, but we understand. He went about the Masa thing all wrong, and I’m sure that now, it’s part of why he’s not speaking to anyone. He’s killing himself with grief.”

                “Killing himself with grief…” whispered Koichi. “Will you go with me, Shin? Please, just go with me to the hospital.” “Of course, I will, let me text Miya, so he won’t worry.”

                “ _Taking Koichi to see Tatsu, I’ll call you later_.”

~

                Koichi tapped lightly on Tatsu’s door, “Tatsu, can I come in?” Peeking around the door, Koichi see’s that Tatsu’s sleeping. Walking to the foot of the bed, he gazes at the man he has loved since the first time they met, and he realizes, that he still loves the man. Moving a chair next to the bed, Koichi sits and watches Tatsu sleep, watching his brow furrow, his lips moving silently as he dreams. “Oh, Tatsu… how did we get here?” he whispered. “How did we get to this, from where we were? So perfectly in love. Now? I don’t know what to do.”

                Tatsu stirs, groaning a bit as he stretches. Opening his eyes slowly, he realizes that someone is sitting next to the bed, but he’s having trouble focusing, the drugs have made him so woozy. “Hey, Tatsu, are you feeling better today? I hope you don’t mind that I’m here.” Koichi spoke softly.

                “Kou…you came.” Tatsu whispers, eyes widening as he sees his boy… _my boy_.

                “I saw you the first day, but you didn’t…you wouldn’t talk to anyone. It scared me, so I had to come today, just to make sure you’re okay, that you’ll talk to the doctors, so you can get well and go home. That’s what you want to do, isn’t it? Go home?”

                Tatsu sighed, and shook his head sadly. “I really don’t have anything to go home to, Kou. It’s not worth the effort anymore. I can’t do it. This is better.” Tatsu laid back deeply in his pillows, as if to be swallowed by them. “I’m sorry, Kou, for everything. I never meant it to end up like this. I’m sorry I turned out to be such an asshole, it was never my intention to ever hurt you, and yet I did. So badly.”

                The two men looked at each for a long while. Neither knowing how or what to say.

                “Do you still love me, Tatsu? I want an honest answer, not some shit that says no, you don’t because I’m with Kyo. Honestly, Tatsu, are you still in love with me?” Koichi was fairly certain the answer was yes, but he had to hear it from the man’s mouth.

                “Do I still love you? Kou, I never stopped.” Tatsu said with pain in his voice. I could never love anyone, ever again, like I love you. There is no other, there never will be. It will always be you, Koichi.”

                “Why…why didn’t you just tell me about Masa? We could have worked it out. It wasn’t your decision to make.” Koichi wanted answers, but wanted to ask quietly, softly, with no anger or fear.

                “I never wanted to hurt you, I couldn’t risk hurting you, if the information was made public, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

                “It wasn’t for you to decide by yourself.” Koichi’s voice was painful.

                “I also didn’t want the public to know about the woman and the child. Masa threatened me daily, shit even hourly…that he would go public if I didn’t do what he demanded. I was weak, I don’t know what else to say, I was scared, I was weak, and I was an idiot.” Tatsu’s voice was just barely audible, almost bellow a whisper.

                “The way you left me, that’s what hurt the most. Not that you did, but that you abandoned me, without a word, without reason. That’s what killed my love for you. For everything that we’ve been through, since we met, you leaving me without a word, is what killed me inside.” Koichi was crying softly, and shaking. “I thought you’d never leave me, ever. I couldn’t love anyone more, than I loved you. You were perfect in my eyes, you could do no wrong, but then it was over in less than a week. My rape, my attack, everything we went through with Sato and Taka and Sakurai, none of that mattered to you, you just walked away.”

                Tatsu’s eyes were filled with tears, he couldn’t look Koichi in the eye, “You’re right, Kou. I did all of that, in my mind I was protecting you from Masa, but I was killing you inside, instead. That’s why it doesn’t matter anymore. You have Kyo to take care of you, love you like he always has. I’m worth nothing, Kou. Not a damned thing anymore. I ruined us, I ruined you, and I ruined Mucc.” He just shook his head.

                “Go back to Kyo…please Koichi. Go back and live with Kyo, he’s so much better for you than I am. He loves you, he’ll never hurt you, you deserve to be happy. You love Kyo, don’t you, I saw it at Lunatic… when you were watching Kyo perform. Your eyes were shining, you looked like you were in love, watching the man you loved. It’s okay Kou, I want you to be happy, and you can’t be happy with me.” Tatsu then slid down the bed and turned away from Koichi.

                “You don’t get to dictate who I love, you have no say in that. I will love who I want, and I will love them unconditionally, without fear, without hesitation. Be happy, please Tatsu, try to be happy.” 

                Koichi got up, patted Tatsu on the shoulder and walked out the door, walking as quickly as he could, looking for Shinya. “Let’s go, please, now…I need to go home.” Shinya grabbed Koichi’s hand and led him to the car, driving them quickly to Koichi’s flat.

                “Kou-kun, what happened? Please, will you be okay? I don’t want to leave you here alone like this! You’re scaring me.” Shinya sobbed.

                “I’ll be fine. Tatsu doesn’t want me, he said he loved me then told me to go back to Kyo, and be happy. He’s going to die, Shin…I can tell, he’s going to die alone and in pain, and there’s nothing you or I or anyone else can do to stop it. It might not be in the hospital, but he’s going to die.” Koichi moved slowly, into his bedroom, getting in with out changing his clothes. “Thanks for taking me Shinya, I love you.” Koichi closed his eyes.

                Shinya leaned down and kissed Koichi’s forehead. “Call me, I don’t care when or what time it is, or where I am. I will be here for you, Kou-kun.”

                Miya found Shinya in bed, red faced, eyes swollen, and holding on to one of Miya’s sweatshirts. Miyu looked up and whined, like she was telling him that Shinya was hurt. “Sshh, it’s okay Miyu, I’ll take care of Shin.” Laying down on the bed, Miya spooned Shinya, slipping his arm around his lover’s waist and pulling him in tight. Nuzzling Shinya’s hair, Miya sighed. There was just no easy way to do this, no easy way to save Tatsu, Koichi, Mucc, or Kyo for that matter. Everyone was going to be hurt in the end, and the end was going to be nasty, and there will be more than just one or two causalities.

                Tatsu rolled over onto his back, once he heard Koichi leave. Closing his eyes, he saw Koichi’s face, looking down on him, eyes flooded with tears. _How do I fix us, Kou? Can I? Will you allow it? Or should I just forget and give up. I’m so tired. Koichi’s right, I have no right to tell him who to love, he loves Kyo, and that’s good for him. He needs to be loved, and held tight. Someone needs to protect him from assholes like me. Kyo’s strong, he’ll keep Koichi safe_.

~

                Kyo let himself into Koichi’s flat, knowing that the younger man was probably asleep. What he wasn’t expecting to see was Koichi in bed with his clothes on, and obvious signs that he’d been crying rather hard. “Kou, baby. What’s wrong? Come here.” Kyo slid down next to Koichi, softly pushing his hair out of his face, which was wet with tears. “Kou, what’s wrong?” Koichi opened his eyes. “Tatsu’s going to die, and we can’t stop it.” Kyo pulled back, “What do you mean he’s going to die? How do you know?” Koichi shook his head, “Shinya and I went to see him today, to see if we could get him to talk. He did, but he’s giving up, he doesn’t care anymore, about anything. Not even me.” Koichi leaned into Kyo’s chest, softly crying. “What do you mean, he doesn’t even care about you? How can you say that? He cares about you, he never stopped, Masa just fucked everything up. Kou, Tatsu loves you, still! Even I know that! Please baby, don’t get so upset. Tatsu’s seriously depressed, he needs Maeta to help him, he’ll be okay in a few weeks, I promise, okay?” _How can I promise something I don’t want? I want Tatsu to live, but I want to keep Koichi. So how can I promise this_?

                Kyo got Koichi up and changed into sleep pants, getting him some water and calming him down. Lying in bed, Kyo’s arms around him tightly. Koichi fell asleep almost immediately, snoring softly within minutes. Kyo held his lover, wanting to take the pain from him. He knew, it was only a matter of time before Kou and Tatsu reconciled, and he had finally accepted that. He would love the tiny man as hard as he could until then, and then he would gracefully step back. He loved Tatsu and Koichi both too much to stand in the way, he couldn’t …wouldn’t destroy two lives, just his own. He also knew he had to go see Tatsu and talk to him…about…what? How to get Koichi back? Closing his eyes, the darken void took him away from the painful night.


	8. Chapter 8

 

                _He’s reaching for someone, but the faces blur together, Koichi, Masa, Kyo. Wait. Koichi…he reaches for his boy, the face morphs into Masa, he quickly draws back his hand, Masa turns around, it’s Koichi again, wait. Kyo’s standing in front of him, hand on his chest, pushing him back, no you can’t have Kou, he’s mine. You lost, you get Masa, no, I don’t want Masa, I want Koichi, he’s my boy, he’s the adorable…, no Kyo keeps pushing him back, you don’t’ deserve Kou, you chose Masa over Koichi, now Kou’s mine, he’s MY adorable Kou, you were an asshole, you let Masa tear you away from your life, shame on you, you’re a shameful man, Ojisan is standing next to Kyo, you can’t have him anymore, you are a shameful man. NO! I’m not a shameful man, please, Koichi, Kou! You’re mine, forever, you said you loved me. Koichi shakes his head, no, I don’t love you anymore, you threw me away, you abandoned me and chose the whore, that skank assed bitch, Masa. Go be happy Tatsu_.

                Tatsu lurched into a sitting position, hand balancing himself on his bed. He’s breathing hard, he’s sweating. Shit, what have I done? Tatsu shakes his head, trying to clear the cobwebs that are sticky with the residue of Masa’s filth. Slumping back into his pillows, Tatsu covers his face with is forearm, willing the tears not to come, but he has no will, nothing left. His heart is choked with sobs, he can’t breathe. Rolling on to his side, he draws up his knees to his chest, _what the hell have I done? Kou…you can’t mean it, you said you won’t let anyone tell you who to love, but who do you love? Was that your telling me that you love me, still? Or that you love Kyo? Which is it_?

 

~~

                “Do you know how you’re going to approach this?” Sato was laying in bed with Taka, scared that his boy may come to harm, being in the company of Sakurai, but the overwhelming fear of Tatsu dying, over rode his fear for his lover. “No, not really. Guess I’ll just go in, see what his reaction is to seeing me, then go from there. I’m not going to be nice about this, just saying. He doesn’t deserve nice, but I won’t be cruel.” The idea of facing Tatsu, telling him he’s got more to live for than he thought, it would be a daunting exercise for Taka.

                “Tell him how you felt when you’re were going through the same thing. How you didn’t want to kill yourself, but you didn’t want to live. Make sure to let him know how many people are out here, supporting him, that want to help him rediscover is life, to rediscover his music.” Sato started to tear up. “I know you can do this babe, you’re so much stronger now, more than ever before. You learned the hard way how many people love you, this is what Tatsu has to hear.” Sato leaned over, cupping Taka’s chin, he kissed his husband. “Thank you for doing this.”

                “I don’t have a choice, I have to do this, not only for Tatsu, but for Koichi as well. I know that eventually, Kou and Tatsu will be back with each other, I just hope that Kyo doesn’t get too hurt n the mix.”

 Kyo was going to be the hidden causality, there was no avoiding the fact that he wouldn’t be hurt, in the process of saving Tatsu. Kyo knew what was coming, he knew the ending of the drama. He would lose Koichi to Tatsu. Would there be someone laying in wait for him? Who was going to comfort Kyo during all this?

 

~~

“Are we all agreed that this is the right thing to do?” Miya wanted to check one last time, that everyone was on board with the plan. The silence from the others involved, validated the act. “Acchan, we will hold you back, just outside the door, if Taka needs you.”  Sakurai bowed, “Whatever you need.”

 

Taka knocked on the door, “Tatsu? Can I come in please?” Peering around the door, Taka saw that Tatsu was sitting up in bed, but was just staring off into space, no real emotion on his face, until he saw Taka, then he cracked a very weak smile. “Sure Taka” Taka walked into the dimly lit room, and slid a chair next to Tatsu’s bed. “Kou told me he came to see you, and he also told me what’s going on. Before you object or complain, you need to hear me out. After that, if you want to throw me out, that’s fine.”  Tatsu heaved a sigh of resignation, “Okay, Taka, I’ll listen to you.”

“First off, I love you. You know that, correct?” Tatsu nodded. “Secondly, I love Kou above and beyond anyone else in this world, aside from Sato, but that’s a different love. Koichi is the most important thing in my life, along with Sato. And what he’s going through right now, isn’t fair.” Taka had scooted to the edge of his chair, leaning in, looking Tatsu dead in the face. “You’re being selfish. You’re behaving the same way I did, when I decided to leave Sakurai. You don’t care about yourself, you don’t want to live, you think that everyone would be better off if you were gone.”  Tatsu had closed his eyes, afraid to face the young man who was shoving the truth in his face. “That makes you a selfish bastard in my book. You might not want to hear this, but I’d like to ask you something. How would any of us be better if you were dead? Seriously, give me your top five reasons.” Tat’s eyes flashed opened.

“What do you mean? Reasons? What the hell does that even mean?” Tatsu was becoming a little pissy at this line of questioning. “Okay, you want reasons? I’ll give you reasons.  Number one, I wouldn’t be hurting Kou or anyone else, if I wasn’t here. Two, nobody else would get hurt in the future. Number three, I’d be out of the way for Kyo to have Koichi for his own, forever. Number four I…I uh, I don’t have a number four, but three reasons are enough!” Tatsu snapped.

“What is the common theme of those answers?” Tatsu didn’t understand the question. “Common theme? What do you mean?” Taka shook his head. “All of those answers have one thing in common, the word ‘I’,”. In other words, you’re thinking only of yourself, and not thinking about those you would leave behind. Can you imagine how devastated Koichi would be if you died? The guilt your death would heap on Kyo? Your friends, your bandmates and peers? The fans? You’re being a selfish bastard Tatsuro.” Tatsu was taken aback, but the harshness of Taka’s statement.

“When I wanted to die, I thought the exact same things you are. That everyone would be better off if I wasn’t there to fuck things up.” I thought that Sato would be able to finally move on, and be happy if I wasn’t there. That Koichi would be able to find a new best friend that wasn’t an idiot, if I wasn’t there.”

“You’re only thinking about yourself, not those who love you, the people you’d be leaving behind, wondering for the rest of their lives, if they missed something, if they could have helped you, if there was something that they did wrong. They will be questioning themselves forever, because YOU wanted to die and you didn’t care what anyone else wanted.” Taka got up from the chair, and went to the door, peeking outside, he said something that Tatsu couldn’t hear.

“Acchan? What…why are you here?” This was the last person Tatsu thought he’d see, that would bother to come and visit. Sakurai walked up to Tatsu, and sat on the side if his bed. Leaning forward, Sakurai grabbed Tatsu by the shoulders and shook him violently.

“TATSURO! DAMN IT MAN, STOP BEING A CHILD! You are better than this you little shit!” Tatsu was left reeling in confusion. Sakurai let go of Tatsu’s shoulders, and then picked up his hands. “I’m sorry Tatsu-kun, but someone needed to shake some sense into you, because as Taka has so intelligently pointed out, you’re acting like a selfish brat.” Sakurai then sat in the chair next to the bed, leaning on his elbows, looking at Tatsu, his brow furrowed, his eyes intense.

“You must take to heart what Taka-kun has said. You ARE only thinking of yourself. You are forgetting what your death would do to others, including your parents and siblings. Do you want to have your mother weeping, sitting in front of a small altar and having to speak of you in a past tense? Do you really want to precede your parents in death? No parent wants to bury their child, that is not something that is natural.”

Sakurai looked down, shaking his head. “Tatsuro, you are one of the most talented vocalist in our industry, your band is loved by thousands, your lyrics move people, make them think outside of their comfort zone. To deprive the word of that, is a crime, Tatsuro. Do you want to be remembered as being an innovator of music, or someone that had a breakdown and could not climb back up out of his hole? Do you really want Masa to have won twice? He broke you the first time, and nearly killed you. So now you would like Masa to finish the job? Are you going to let Masa kill you?”

The last statement startled Tatsu, Masa is killing me? Morrie almost killed Koichi, He almost killed Uta and Shinya, but they were able to rise above the despair and the pain, to live on.  Tatsu sunk back in his pillows, staring at Sakurai and Taka, unable to answer them.

“Tatsu, please, don’t do this. Koichi loves you, he wants to be with you, but he doesn’t know how to get past the pain for what Masa forced you to do. Is he happy with Kyo? Probably, but not anything like he was, when he was with you. Tatsu, I love you, so does Sato, Miya, Yukke and everyone else. Please, talk to Maeta, let him help you to come back to us. Please, for Koichi’s sake and your own. Don’t be a selfish bastard and die, that’s the coward’s way out.”

With those last words, Sakurai got up, and followed Taka to the door. Taka looked back at Tatsu, “Please, think about what we said.” Then they left the room.

Tatsu closed his eyes, hearing the words Taka had said, feeling Sakurai shaking him. Visions of his mom, sitting in front of an altar and crying. Koichi…he can’t even think of what would happen to Koichi. Masa…laughing over his grave, knowing that nobody would have him. Masa had won, now nobody could have Tatsu. He laid there, all of the words, the torments he was feeling, the guilt that he would carry, would he ever be able to purge those feelings? Koichi loves me, he wants to be with me, but what about Kyo? Do I need to talk to him? Would he even bother talking to me? Do I just wait it out, and hope that Koichi comes back?

Tatsu had very little sleep that night, even with the medications and the darkness. He could not get the vision of his mother, weeping over his death, out of his mind. Koichi, with Kyo but would he really be happy? He loves me, everyone believes that, they believe that we’ll be together again, so do I need to fight for him? Or hope that something happens between hi and Kyo? I don’t want Kyo to be hurt either, that’s unfair, but Koichi was and has always been my adorable Kou.  

It was nearly dawn before Tatsu actually fell asleep, and then the dreams of Masa and Koichi haunted him once again, but this time, Koichi was reaching his hand out for Tatsu, with only Kyo pushing him away.

~~

                “Thank you so much for helping us tonight, Acchan. You made a lot of sense ack there, I had almost forgotten what his parents would be going through. Perhaps that was me being selfish, but we may have reached him.” Taka was standing with the others, thanking Sakurai for his efforts. “I do have to say, Acchan, when you grabbed his shoulders and shook him, it scared the shit out of me!” they all turned and looked at Sakurai, then back at Taka, “What’s this? He shook Tatsu?” Shinya asked, not quite believing what he was hearing. Taka laughed, nodding his head at the other man.  “Yes, I am a little ashamed of myself, but it needed to be done. He needed to have some sense shook into him, and I took it to mean literally shaking him by the shoulders.” As they all departed, Taka would be sure to check in with them if he heard anything, at least from his end. Just before they walked out the door, Sakurai stopped Taka and Sato, “Please, a moment of your time?”

                Sato and Taka held back, Sato’s hand on Taka’s lower back. “Since we are here together, I’d like to in person, offer my deepest apologies for my behavior in the past. I have struggled with what I have done, and I still have no clear answer, other than I was infatuated with Taka-kun.” Sakurai looked straight at Taka, “Taka-kun, I have no right to ask you to forgive me, but I hope we can put it in the past. My band mates have helped me find a new direction in which to take my, um, appetites if you will, and I will no longer be a problem to anyone in the industry, nor anywhere else for that matter. If you need anything further in relation to Tatsu, please do not hesitate to call me. Good Evening, Gentlemen.”

                As Sakurai walked to his car, Sato and Taka watched the man leave. “I think he truly regrets what he did to me, or at least what he caused me to do to myself, don’t you? He seems genuine, and he did hep with Tatsu.” Taka still loved Buck Tick, and now he felt comfortable around Sakurai again, hoping to be able to enjoy the man’s company at some point, without anyone becoming alarmed.

                “I believe him as well, I think he leaned his lesson.” Sato put his arm around Taka’s shoulder and pulled him in for a quick kiss. “I’m so proud of you, I think you’ve made a huge different in Tatsu’s life, hopefully enough to keep him safe from himself.” The couple walked to their car and went home.

 

                “ _Dr. Maeta, it’s Tatsuro. Can you meet with me tomorrow? I don’t really care when, just as long as you come and talk to me, Okay, thank you._ ”

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starting to get a little dicey.

A night full of dreams, and unhappy realizations, that Tatsu, was indeed a shameful man, and a little shit, as Sakurai had called him. A man would never let so many things come between those he loved and danger. Strike one for Tatsu, who basically pussed out, letting Masa start sending his life on the road to ruin. Secondly, he should have been a man and left Koichi, with some answers. But then that’s what a shameful man does, he runs and hides. Third, yes, he was a coward, of the enth degree. But would all this be erased? Could he rewind and start over from scratch? Kou divorced him., so now does he have to try to win him back, and yet he’d be destroying Kyo in the process?

“Well shit, this sucks, I’m still going to end up hurting someone, so what the hell am I supposed to do?”  Tatsu mulled over the options, while eating what was designed to be called a breakfast, but failing miserably. A light knock on the door grabbed his attention, which wasn’t hard to do at this point.

“Tatsu? It’s Maeta. Can I come in?” Tatsu waved the doctor in, “have a seat, we have a lot to go over.” Tatsu pointed to aa chair. Maeta noticed that Tatsu seemed brighter than the last time he was in the hospital. “Well, you’re at least speaking to me now, not that I took that personally or anything, but it did worry me.” Maeta had hated signing Tatsu into the psych ward, especially when the didn’t really believe he needed it, but there were protocols that he had to follow with every patient.

“So, what am I doing here today you said you had some rather important things to go over? Would you care to explain?” Maeta got his notebook out, and waited for Tatsu to begin.

“Well, I had some visitors last night, that pretty much smacked the shit right out of me, which I totally deserved.” Tatsu then went on to explain what the visit last night had entailed, even the beratement of his manhood by Sakurai Atsushi. Tatsu did not appeared defeated any longer, although he wasn’t quite the normal Tatsu yet, but Maeta noticed that there was some bit of life in his eyes again, and the real fact that he was speaking was a bonus point.

“Sakurai slapped you?” Maeta found that hard to believe. “No, he didn’t slap me, but he did grab me by the shoulders and shake the crap out of me, and called me a coward, and to man up about the shit storm I created.”  Tatsu was not holding back, he was fully accepting of what his part in all of Masa’s drama, he played.

“Well, it seems to have worked, at least for the fact that again, you are speaking to me. So, what did you gain from the visit? Insight into your behavior and wanting to die? Yes, I know that you didn’t want to kill yourself, much like Taka didn’t when he had his issues, but you didn’t really want to live either, did you? If that’s a coward’s way out of suicide, I’ll take it, at least at face value.”

Tatsu continued to tell Maeta what Taka had said, the parts that impacted him the most, the common thread of ‘I’, which surprised Maeta a bit. “Taka came up with the common thread paradigm? Clever boy, he saw right through your bullshit.” Maeta smiled as he spoke.  “So, what do you need or want from me, Tatsu What can I do to speed up your recovery, without leaving anything unanswered?”

“Kyo is the one person in this absurd drama that stands to be hurt the most. He’s in love with Koichi, has been since he first met him. Do I ask to speak to Kyo, let him know what I’m feeling, my goals, or do I just let it be, and wait for the situation to work itself out?”

“What are your goals, Tatsu? Where do you see yourself in a year, eighteen months from now?”  Maeta waited, pen poised over paper. “I’m going to hold you these goals, Tatsu. These have to be obtainable, realistic goals, so speak carefully.”

“In one year, I see myself, back to compete health, at least physically, emotionally I’d like to be there as well, but I don’t want to set my bar too high.” Tatsu stopped for a moment, trying to figure out how to phrase his next thought. “Ideally, I would like to have Koichi back in my life, as a lover within a year. But I think I’m stretching a little to far with that. I’m not sure how long it will take, if ever, for him to forgive me. I hurt him so badly, he may never love me again.” Tatsu had not remembered the first visit by Koichi, who had confessed that he still loved Tatsu.

“So, are we talking two years out for Koichi? Or are you going to take a wait and see outlook with him? Personally, I believe that would be the best option for you. You must understand, he has his reasons not to trust you, or want to return to you.” Maeta thought it was possible for Koichi to return to Tatsu, but said nothing to him about that belief.

“I need to reconcile with my band, I fucked those guys up as well, and I need to apologize to Ojisan, and ask him to believe in me again.” Maeta cocked his head, “Ojisan?”

Tatsu chuckled. “The owner of Ojisan’s Ramen Hut, a place that Koichi and I went to quite often. Ojisan is somewhat mystical, in my eyes, he knows how to cut through the shit and get right to the core of what’s going on, the man is an absolute treasure in my life. He called me a shameful man, when I left Koichi for Masa, he saw right through all my bullshit. And he was right, I was a shameful man, I might still be, but now I have enough reason to remedy that.”

Maeta nodded, “That sounds about right, a village elder would always be in support of his young people. I’m guessing Ojisan is similar in that aspect. I’d like to meet him one day, I’m sure he’d be interested in figuring me out.” Maeta and Tatsu spoke for a while longer, making arrangements for Tatsu to be moved out of the psych ward and into a regular room, but he had one more question to ask.

“Should I talk to Kyo? I don’t know what to do, should I just wait for Koichi to come to me? Should I actively fight for his love? I don’t want to hurt anymore people.” Maeta shook his head. “Leave it be for the time being. You will know when it’s right to speak to either of them. Concentrate on getting your health back, and regaining your strength, that’s more important as of right now. Revisit the thought in six months. I doubt Koichi is going anywhere.”  Maeta made his excuses, and left the room.

It was three hours until Tatsu was moved to a regular hospital room. He was still severely underweight, was still slightly dehydrated and weak. He would remain in the hospital for a least a week, he had four more days, until the doctors would reevaluate him.

The first thing he did after being transferred to a room, he called Miya. “Leader-san, I’m now in a regular room, would you bring everyone to see me please, whenever is fine, not like I’m going anywhere. Okay, thanks.”

~~

 

                “Knock, knock…can we come in Tatsu?” Shinya had peeked in the door, hoping he wasn’t disturbing Tatsu, instead he found the man sitting up in bed, wearing a tired smile. “Hi guys, come on in.” The whole gang was there, including Kai and Taka, but not Koichi or Kyo, but Tatsu hadn’t really said anything about either one of the men.

                “Tatsu-kun, you look much better! I’m so happy you’re smiling today.” Shinya sat on the edge of the bed, then slapped Tatsu in the face. “DON’T YOU EVER PULL THIS SHIT WITH US AGAIN; DO YOU HEAR ME! DAMN YOU!”

                “SHINYA! What the hell are you doing!” Miya ran up to his husband, pulling him off the bed. “What the hell was that for Shin? Really? You just slapped Tatsu?” Shinya had tears in his eyes, “I’m sorry, but you scared the shit out of me Tatsu, damn you! Don’t ever do shit like this again! Or I will… uh, never speak to you again!” Shinya broke away from Miya and ran out of the room. Everyone was stunned, seeing Shinya like that. He was their comfort keeper, he could comfort anyone, but obviously he couldn’t comfort himself. “I’ll go talk to him,” Kai left the room in search of his friend.

                “Sorry, Tatsu, it’s been a rough last week, did he hurt you?” Tatsu smiled, “No, he didn’t hurt me, but I hurt him, and I’m so very sorry for what I’ve put you all through.” Tears were rolling down Tatsu’s cheek, he swiped them off with the back of his hand. “Tatsu, we’re all just thankful that you’re feeling somewhat better, you really did scare the shit out of all of us, when you collapsed” Yukke sniffed, close to tears himself.

                Kai opened the door, bringing a tearful Shinya back in the room, who walked over to Tatsu, and bent over to hug his friend. “I’m sorry Tatsu-kun, you just really scared me. I thought for sure you were going to die. I couldn’t handle that, and so, I’m …sorry.” Tatsu gazed at his friend, “Shinya, I deserved that, so you don’t need to apologize for anything. You have every right, all of you do, to be angry and hurt, by my actions. All I can do is try to make it up to you.”

                “Taka, come here please.” Tatsu reached out his hand to Taka, who held it tightly. “Thank you, Taka-kun, for everything.  You made me realize exactly what I was doing, I was being an asshole, a selfish one at that. Sakurai brought me to my senses as well. What the said about my mother, sitting in front of an altar weeping, having to bury a child. All of this made sense to me. Why now? And not before? I don’t know, maybe Sakurai shaking me violently, heh.” Tatsu was smiling, looking at the people he cared for, loved and counted himself lucky.

                “Is there anything special you’d like us to do, Tatsu?” Sato hesitated slightly. “No, Sato. I don’t want to see him. Not yet. Kyo’s still taking care of him. Maybe someday, but not now. I’m not ready, and I know for sure he’s not. So, we’re going to just move along, and I’m going to get my strength back, and start living like a normal person. I should be getting out in about 3 days and um, could I bum a ride off of one of you? I didn’t drive myself here.” Everyone had to giggle over this. “I’ll pick you up buddy, Taka and I will get everything ready at the flat.”

                “Speaking of the flat, I want a change of environment, I need to start over again. The flat has too many bad memories, that have washed out all the good ones. I think I’m going to start looking for a house to buy.” Now this announcement surprised everyone. “Koichi and I were looking right before…well, you know. I still have the one’s we saved on my computer, I think once I’m back up and running, I’m going to start looking again. I have no reason not to, and the flat, well that’s just a shit hole now.”

                The friends stayed a little longer, until Tatsu started to look worn out. As they were getting ready to leave, Tatsu held Shinya back. “Can I talk to you for a minute Shin?” Shinya nodded, telling Miya that he’d catch up. “Tatsu-kun, “I’m so sorry for slapping you, it’s just…everything that’s gone on, I’m just having a hard time these days, I’m always on edge.” Tatsu patted the bed next to him, “Shinya, sit please.”

                Tatsu looked up at his sensitive friend, and smiled. “I’m glad you did, I needed that slap, it’s helping, along with all the other things that I’ve been experiencing in the last two days.  I need your advice, Shin, on what to do about Koichi and Kyo…” Tatsu stopped, collecting his thoughts. “I want him back, Shinya, I’m not going to lie, I know he still loves me, I can see it when he talks to me. But I don’t want to hurt Kyo, and by taking away or trying to, Koichi from him, well…I’m not sure how to do this. Maeta told me to back off, and just wait. Shinya, if I wait, it could be years before I can get Kou back into my life, I don’t think I can wait that long.” Tears started to well up in Shinya’s eyes.

                “Tatsu-kun, you belong with Koichi, and I believe that even Kyo knows that. But you’re right, the worst thing you could do is try to take Kou-kun away. You have to let it play out in its own time. Kyo is hanging on. Kou-kun loves Kyo, but I know it’s not the same love you and he shared, there is no love even remotely like that.”  The two men searched each other’s face, trying to come up with a solution.

                “I can try to manipulate things, but I don’t feel right doing that. Trying to throw you and Kou-kun together in different situations, I’m not the only one that wants to do that, Taka-kun does as well, but Sato has put his foot down and told Taka not to interfear, which is the same thing that Miya has told me. So honestly, we’re just going to have to wait it out. I’ll be there to support you both, any time you need it, but you may have to court Kou-kun, show him that you love him, and without hurting Kyo, it will be difficult, but I think Kyo understands everything at the base level.”

                “Could you do me one favor, please Shin? Could you tell Koichi that I’m not in the psych ward anymore? Just tell him I’m doing better and he doesn’t wave to worry any more, please Shin?” Shinya hugged his friend, whispering in his ear “Of course I will,” Giving Tatsu another hug, Shinya went to catch up with Miya.  “Everything okay?” Miya grasped Shinya’s hand. “Umm…yah, he just wants me to tell Kou-kun that he’s not in the psych ward anymore, that’s all.” Miya stopped, and pulled Shinya into his arms. “What would we do without you? I hope I never have to find out. You’re still the mother hen, tending to the Mucc flock., and I love you for it.” Kissing his husband, Miya pulled Shinya along to the car, where they had an impromptu make out session, which caused Miya to drive home a little more quickly than normal.


	10. Chapter 10

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 _“Really? Well that’s an improvement. He did? Good! Maeta will straighten him out as well.          Sakurai? What? Wow! YOU SLAPPED HIM?” Holy shit Shinya, that’s drastic. Haha, but he sort of deserved it.”_ Koichi was on the phone when Kyo walked through the door. _“Really? Well that’s an improvement. He did? Good! Maeta will straighten him out as well. Sakurai?_   _A regular room? Three days…not too much longer. Yah, thanks Shinya, please keep me posted._ ”

“Hey babe, what’s going on? Tatsu?” Kyo flopped down on the couch next to Koichi, putting his        head in his lover’s lap. “Well, he’s in a regular room now, which is an improvement, and Shinya said he’d be released in three days.” Kyo sighed, three days until the end? Koichi sensed something was wrong and leaned down to capture a kiss from Kyo. “Stop over thinking it, I already told you, I’m staying right here, with you. Tatsu isn’t even on my radar. I’m happy that he’s decided to live, even if I hated him, I wouldn’t want him to die. But I’m not with Tatsu any more, I’m with you. You are what’s important to me right now.” Trying to qualm Kyo’s fears of him running to Tatsu, was starting to become a bit of a challenge, Koichi was surprised how insecure Kyo was about their relationship.

“Mmm…I guess he finally got some sense knocked into him, by both Shinya and Sakurai. Shinya slapped Tatsu, and screamed at him, Taka said Sakurai grabbed Tatsu by the shoulders and shook him, telling him to man up.” Koichi was giggling a little, imagining Shinya slapping Tatsu. “Shin can be dangerous when he needs to be, people forget that as a drummer, he’s actually pretty strong. Sakurai eh? Now that surprises me” Kyo wondered what Sakurai could possibly have in common with what’s going on with Tatsu.

“I know, I’m happy for him as well, hopefully he’ll be able to move forward with his life, getting back in shape for Mucc, and living again.” Kyo was trying to blow off the insecurity he feeling.  Kyo reached up for another kiss from Koichi, “You’re so fucking beautiful, I love you, Kou.” Kyo kissed Koichi with the intensity of a drowning man reaching for a life line. Kyo ran his hand up Koichi’s shirt, teasing a small bud with a light pinch. “Kyo…” Koichi mewled. Kyo shifted on the couch, allowing Koichi to lay next to him.  

Kyo pushed Koichi’s shirt up, his hand searching for one bud, his mouth the other, teasing the tiny nub. Koichi moaned, his breath hitched as Kyo searched for the bud, sucking it into his mouth and biting it gently, making Koichi start to squirm. Reaching his hand down between them, Kyo rubbed the stiffening length, teasing the head through Koichi’s pants. “Kyo…please, touch me,” he begged. Kyo stood up and took Koichi’s hand, silently leading them to the bedroom, where the touching continued into the wee hours of the morning.

 

                                                                                !

“What the fuck? Why don’t you want me to go? I mean, shit, we’ve been locked up here for three days, all you want to do is fuck! What the hell is wrong with me leaving to go out with Taka? We’re just meeting Shinya and Kai at Ojisan’s, I’m not doing anything wrong!” Koichi was pissed, Kyo was being clingy, knowing that his time with Koichi was limited, and he just wanted to capture as much as he could with his tiny lover before…before Koichi left him and went back to Tatsu. “It’s not that I don’t wan t you going out, I don’t care, but… “  

“But what? What do you think I’m going to do? Wait, don’t answer that, I know what you’re thinking, that I’m going to run off to see Tatsu, don’t you? Kyo really? You don’t trust me enough, to let me just go out with my friends? Fuck, if I wanted a controlling boyfriend, I would have asked for one!” Kyo sat on the couch, red faced, trying hard not to explode and go off on Koichi. “Fine, go with Taka, go eat dinner…I don’t care. Obviously, you have other ideas on what is considered controlling, then I do. Concern is not controlling, and for the record, no I don’t think you’re going out to see Tatsu, I’m not that insecure.”

But it was just that, it was Kyo’s insecurities that had him paranoid about who Koichi was with, when he wasn’t with him. Kyo was counting down the days, almost like an advent calendar…opening a new door every day, and checking to see what was behind it. Was today going to be the day that he saw a picture of Tatsu? Or would it be tomorrow, next week? He knew the end of his relationship with Koichi was coming, and it irritated him that he had no control over the outcome. He loved Koichi, but he also knew that Koichi loved Tatsu more, that if it had not been for the problem with Masa, Kyo would have never had a chance with Koichi. There would have been no reason for Tatsu and Koichi to break up and divorce, if it wasn’t for the interference of Masa in their relationship.  

“I’m leaving, if you’d like, I’ll call you when I get home tonight. Please, trust me, I’m just going to Ojisan’s with friends, nothing more!” Koichi bent down and kissed Kyo’s forehead. Watching his lover leave, Kyo felt he needed to make a checkmark on the wall; one more day, how many more? Gathering up his things, Kyo left Koichi’s flat and headed home, playing the argument over and over in his mind, still coming up as the loser. He should just be grateful to have what little time he did have, with Koichi, and then be gracious when the time came for Tatsu to re-enter Koichi’s life.

Koichi on the other hand, was becoming increasingly annoyed with Kyo’s continued clingy behavior, and was resenting his lover for the first time. Walking into Ojisan’s, Taka and the others were already there. “Hey! We thought you flaked out on us, you’re late!” Taka teased. “Ojisan, could I please have a beer?” Koichi sat down on the stool, groaning with his face in his hands. “Kyo and I had an argument, sorry I’m late.” Ojisan started to listen, albeit without being noticed. “About what, Kou-kun?” Shinya asked. “About me going out alone, or I should say, without him. He’s so freaking clingy! It’s just getting worse every day. I’ve had the last three days off from the HBG, and seriously,” Koichi lowered his voice to a whisper “All we did for three days is fuck, we never left my flat, eat, fuck, sleep.” Taka snorted, “The EFS affect…and Diru’s not even recording!”  

“Exactly! HE didn’t want to leave the flat! HE wanted to stay in for three days, just…well you know, and I’m surprised I can even walk! I’m tired, I need to eat and sleep! Kyo is just so damned insecure!” Koichi huffed. Shinya nudged Kai “We should have it so rough, right?”  Kai giggled. “Shinya, you’re not making me feel any better, please…” whined Koichi. “Honestly, he’s being difficult, I can’t understand why though.” Kai sighed, “Really Kou-kun? You have NO idea why Kyo’s being difficult? Think about what has happened over the last few weeks. Look at what’s going on through his eyes.” The three men looked at Koichi, not believing he had no clue to his boyfriend’s insecurities.  

“Kou, he’s scared. He’s anticipating when you’re going to leave him, so he’s desperate to control where you are and who you’re with. He sees Tatsu as a threat, and he’s probably correct in thinking that, isn’t he?” Taka placed his hand on Koichi’s shoulder. “You need to be honest with him, and let him know what you’re feeling, and talk it out, not argue it out.” Taka turned and asked for another beer, as Koichi sat silently for a few minutes.

“Your friends are observant, perhaps the answers are right there and all you need to do is look. Your lover is not as blind as you may be.” Ojisan turned and walked back to the tiny kitchen area, dishing up four bowls of ramen with pork cutlets. Koichi’s face was warm with embarrassment, like a child being scolded. “He doesn’t know what I’m going to do.” He muttered under his breath.

                                                                                !

 

“What’s so special about him, Uta? I’m not trying to be an asshole, but I just want to understand what you see in Natsu.” Aki really wanted to know, so he could find some fault with Natsu and get Uta away from him, and Aki’s personal vibe was going off the charts. “He’s very sweet, Aki. Kind of like Kyo, looks rough but is really sweet. He cares about me, he walks me to the train station at night, so I’m not alone. I call him when I get home so he knows that I’m safe. He’s just super caring.” Uta hated defending Natsu to everyone, much as he hated defending Kyo when they were dating. Aki didn’t buy the whole ‘caring’ statement, he thought Natsu sounded controlling. “As long as you’re happy I guess, but please just be careful Uta, promise me you will? Uta walked over and hugged his friend. “Yes Aki, I’ll be careful, thanks for being such a good friend.”  

Natsu was standing just outside the counters, in a blind spot that he would often use to spy on Uta. “Fucking Aki…stupid meddling kid.” Natsu didn’t like what he was hearing, Aki questioning Uta about their relationship. He wondered if this was going to be a problem, Uta’s friends meddling in his training of Uta. “Better not be…” Natsu had just started his program with Uta, having the boy calling him on a schedule, making sure that Uta relied on no one but him, and only him. Making sure that he walked Uta to the train, the calling and answering after only 2 rings, he had not come up with a punishment plan yet, if Uta failed to do what he was asked. “Soon enough my child, soon enough.”

“So, have you …um, you know… done the deed yet?” Aki teased, but was really just trying to get information out of Uta. “No, Natsu says it’s too soon, and I agree. I think we need to take it slower than maybe I did with Kyo.” The mention of Kyo’s name, caused Uta to flush a little. “So, why exactly did you break up with Kyo? I mean I understand the whole famous boyfriend thing, but Koichi and Taka have seemed to handle it well. What was different between you and Kyo?” Uta hesitated, but figured it was okay to let Aki know. “Kyo was clingy, he said he loved me, almost too fast. Plus, he had some serious mood swings, it was just hard. I think it was because of Koichi, please don’ tell Kou I said that! I could tell that Kyo was in love with Koichi, even before Tatsu screwed everything up. So, it was hard being with him, when he always looked at Kou.”

Aki was surprised at this, Uta clearly saw that Kyo was in love with Koichi, even before the Masa shit hit? “Yah, I guess I could see that.  Ruki and Kanon, might have had that as well, it IS Ruki, and he’s a handful even without being famous, so I’m sure that was more than Kanon wanted to deal with. Ruki is in love every 10 min anyways.” Uta giggled “Ruki teased me so much, it made me wonder if he didn’t like Kyo more than I did?” The rest of their shift, was spent teasing each other about boyfriends, with Uta wondering why Aki didn’t have anyone. “Isn’t there anyone you’re interested in, Aki?”

Aki blushed, “No, not really. I’ve just never met anyone, I mean…” Aki stuttered a bit. Uta wondered if there was someone he liked, but he just couldn’t tell anyone, and if there was, who was it? Uta spent part of the shift wracking his brain, trying to figure out who Aki may be attracted to, but just couldn’t come up with anyone in particular. “I’m sure you’ll meet someone eventually, you’re super cute and sweet…too much to be alone for long.”” Aki turned bright red at Uta’s statement. _Uta thinks I’m cute_?  

                                                                                !

“ _How was dinner? Did you have fun with the boys?” Good, I’m glad and I apologize for being an asshole earlier. No, I didn’t have… you’re right, but you have to see where I’m coming from. Well, never mind, we’ll just end up arguing again. Can I stop by and see you at work tomorrow? Would you like me to bring you something to eat? Okay. Yep,1:00, I’ll see you then. I love you, Kou_.”             

Koichi closed his phone, and threw himself back into the pillows on the bed. _Why does he have to be like this? Seriously, I’m a big boy, I can go out on my own. The whole Tatsu thing is asinine_. Koichi rolled over and snuggled own into the blankets. _Tatsu_. _It will be a problem, but how big of a problem? Will Kyo freak out every time I think about him or god forbid, talk to him? I can’t just ignore him. “FUCK!” he shouted in the dark. Kyo needs to back off some, I don’t need to be crowded by him or anyone, not even Tatsu. Can I get him to do that, without hurting him? He still wants to move in, but…he’d propose by the end of the year if I did that, I just know it. I don’t want to be married! Not to him or anyone else…except…Tatsu. Would that even be possible? Shinya said everyone wants us to be together again, that we belong together_. “FUCK!” he shouted again. “WHY CAN’T I HAVE A NORMAL LIFE?” Trying to block out everything in his mind, Koichi covered his head with a pillow and tried to sleep.

                                                                                !

“Morning, Kou.” Taka waved at Koichi as he walked into the HBG the next morning. “Hey, you kinda look like shit, what’s up?” Koichi glared at Taka, “Gee thanks, I think you look like shit too.” He snapped. Taka cocked his head and watched as Koichi walked away. What the hell? He decided to avoid talking to his friend, until Koichi was ready. The two friends worked silently, reading the HBG for the weekend shift. “Could you check the patio for me please, Kou?” Koichi nodded, and walked out the back door. Wandering around the patio area, Koichi pictured his past, what happened at certain spots; where Tatsu found him after he was raped. The various Ruki Rampages over the years. Taka and Sato’s wedding reception, DCR parties and where Tatsu and Koichi had sat during the New Years eve party, and the spot in front of the counter, where Masa tore into him, then got his ass kicked by Ruki. Some of the memories were good, bright thoughts, wand smiles, but more were not. Morrie attacking Taka, and Uta, Sakurai confronting Taka and having to be dragged off by his band mates, the aftermath of the divorce, and of course, Kyo. The mixture of memories was almost too much to deal with, and it wasn’t getting any better.

“Patio area is good, Taka.” Koichi walked in and resumed his work at the counter. “You okay Kou? You seem a bit down, what’s up?” Koichi shook his head, “Just memories of the last four years, stuff that’s happened here. Masa, your wedding, DCR parties, some of it good, a lot of it shitty, sorry. I’m just …I dunno, just feeing weird lately.” Taka knew what Koichi’s problem was. It was about 5’3 and blonde with a body covered in tattoos. “Well, you know my number, and where I live, if you need me. Anytime.” Taka went back to the office.  

 _You can’t help me Taka, not this time. Nobody can help me, I just hav to deal with it_.

 

Kyo arrived on time as was the norm for him. He waved at Koichi to let him know he’d arrived and wandered off to set up Kou’s bento, Koichi joining him a few minutes later. “Hi,” Koichi kissed his boyfriend. “Thanks! I’m starving! Oh! Onigiri…Yay!” The couple sat quietly, taking about nothing, avoiding topics that might end up in an argument, which might have worked, if Uta and Natsu had not shown up. Kyo looked over, his face darkening, his whole demeanor changed noticeably. This was not lost on Koichi…watching his boyfriend act almost jealous, seeing his ex-boyfriend with a new lover. Kyo was staring at the couple, “Kyo, stop it! You’re acting stupid, just leave them alone.” Hissed Koichi. “What do you care who Uta is seeing?” Kyo turned and looked at Koichi, “Just because we’re not dating anymore, doesn’t mean I’ve given up caring for the boy, you of all people, should understand that Kou.” Snapped Kyo. “Woah, what the hell is that suppose to mean?” Koichi shot back. “Just because you’re not married to Tatsu, doesn’t mean you don’t care for him anymore, right? If you didn’t care about the man, you wouldn’t have gone to the hospital, to worry over him…” As soon as Kyo spoke, he regretted it instantly.

“Well excuse the fuck out of me! I was MARRIED to Tatsu, we were together for almost four years! Of COURSE, I’d go see him in the hospital, he was DYING! I asked you FIRST, if you cared that I went to see him and you told me of course I should go. You and Uta dated for a few months, hardly a long enough relationship to warrant you being JEALOUS over someone he’s now dating!” Koichi was heating up, and it wasn’t pretty.

“Whatever, Kou. It doesn’t matter now, does it? How long do I have Koichi? A week? A month? Make sure to give me at least a two- week notice before you let me go.”  Kyo looked at the ground. “Fuck you! Fuck you Kyo!” Koichi got up and quickly walked off towards the HBG, leaving Kyo slack jawed. “Fine!” Gathering up his things, Kyo started to leave. He stopped in front of Natsu and Uta, “Be careful Uta, just be careful.” Natsu took exception with this warning. “What does Uta have to be careful about? Why are you warning him, when I’m standing right here? Who the hell are you to say anything about Uta’s relationships?” snarled Natsu.

“Because I’m getting the worst vibe off of you, Natsu. I don’t trust you, there’s something you’re hiding from Uta and everyone else. I’m not the only one that see’s this either, there are others. Uta, I’m your friend, and I’m just going to say be careful around this guy, he’s not what he seems to be. If you ever need anything, you have my number.” Uta was going pale, he didn’t like what was happening, it had a scary feeling to it. Uta backed away from both men.

“Listen you little shit, I don’t give a fuck who you are.” Natsu got in Kyo’s face, his finger on Kyo’s chest. “You don’t know me, and you have no right to warn Uta about anything, in regards to me. Uta dumped you, and it looks like your new boyfriend is about to dump you as well. So, fuck off, Mr. Dir En Grey, nobody gives a shit about you or what you have to say.” That was what pushed Kyo over the edge.

Grabbing Natsu by the collar, Kyo shoved the man up against the HBG building, snarling in his face. “You piece of shit, you don’t have the balls to stand up to me!” Uta was shaking, not knowing what to do. That’s when Natsu tried to swing on Kyo, missing and getting a fist to the stomach on the rebound. “KYO! NO!” Uta ran to the counters, “TAKA! KOICHI, KYO AND NATSU!”  

Taka saw Uta’s terrified face, “Shit, now what?” Taka ran out of the back door, “KYO! NO! Don’t do it!” Taka ran up and shoved Kyo away from Natsu, “STOP IT BOTH OF YOU! KOICHI!” Taka got into the middle of the scrum, Uta pulling Natsu off of Kyo. The four men were tangled up, trying to pull one off the other. Finally, Uta got Natsu off of Kyo, Taka and Koichi holding Kyo back. “What the hell is this about? Kyo damn it! Go home! I’ll call you when I get home. Just go!” yelled Koichi. “Natsu! Go back to your area, leave now! I don’t want you talking to Uta tonight, you can talk to him after he gets off work! Both of you, leave now!” Taka ordered the men.  

Uta reached up and kissed Natsu on the cheek, “I’ll call you after work.” Natsu turned and walked away. Kyo was still huffing, “That son of a bitch! Uta, I’m telling you, he’s dangerous!” Uta shook his head, “Why do you care about who I’m dating? We broke up! Why are you trying to ruin this for me? I fucking hate you Kyo!” Uta walked back into the HBG. Kyo shrugged off both Taka and Koichi, grabbing his bag he stormed off.  

“What in the hell was that all about? You guys were fighting as well? Unbelievable! Kou, let’s get things back in order, we have customers waiting.” The fight had drawn a small crowd, with people whispering about Kyo of Dir en Grey getting into a fight. This would not be welcomed publicity for Diru or the HBG.  Koichi shook his head, and went back inside with Taka. “Uta, can I talk to you please?” Taka motioned for Uta to join him in his office. “What was that all about? What started it?” Uta was blinking tears away. “Kyo stopped and cautioned me, that I should be careful around Natsu, that he didn’t trust Natsu.” Uta took a breath.

“Then they got into each other’s faces, Kyo started shoving, it went all to hell after that. But Kyo and Koichi were arguing too, Kou even told Kyo to fuck off. I don’t know what’s going on anymore! I hate the way things are, Tatsu and Kou should be together. And I shou…” Uta stopped. “I apologize, Taka. It won’t happen again, I promise. I won’t talk to Natsu while I’m at work anymore.” Uta bowed. “It’s okay, seems like everyone’s pissed off about something these days. I think Kyo’s intentions are good, as are Aki’s and mine. We all care about you so much, Uta. We never want to see you hurt, that’s all.” Taka patted Uta’s shoulder, “It’s okay, get back to work.”

The rest of shift had a definite air of tension, with everyone walking on egg shells around the other. “Damn.” Sighed Taka. “Only at the HBG.” Taka held his head in his hands, “I’m so done with all this adult shit.” Taka texted Sato before he went back to work,

 _Rough day, I need to be babied when I get home please. Just don’t make me do anything adult oriented tonight. I love you_.

 _Is everything okay, Babe_? _How rough, and of course I’ll take care of you_! Sato didn’t like getting texts like this from his husband.

 _Kyo and Koichi, Kyo and Natsu, Uta’s crying, everyone’s fighting and calling each other assholes, I’m just so done today_. _I’ll see you in about three hours, as soon as Aki comes in, I’m done here_.

“Koichi, can I speak with you please?” Taka didn’t want to have this conversation, but it needed to be said. Koichi came into the office, “You needed to see me?” Taka scratched his head, “Listen, I know you and Kyo are together, but honestly? I can’t have him doing that shit here, so can you talk to him please? I don’t want to say he can’t come and see you on your break, but fighting with our security guard? I’m sorry Kou, we can’t have that happen again. I hate pulling the manager card, but…” Koichi was embarrassed. “Taka, no worries. I’m just going to tell him he can’t come anymore and frankly, I’m relieved that you’ve said it. It’s just gotten so weird with him lately, he’s pissy, and controlling, I have no idea what the hell is going through his mind these days. So, I’ll gladly tell him he can’t come for my breaks anymore. I’m sorry, Taka.”  

Taka waved Koichi off, “No, it’s mainly the liability stuff, if he was to really hurt someone, HBG would get sued, blah blah, so it’s more of a legal issue and a safety issue. Uta has already said he won’t talk to Natsu anymore while he’s working. It’s just the best solution…block both of them from talking with you guys. Thanks for understanding.” _It’s not going to get any better, if anything, it’s going to become much worse, and there is nothing I can do to stop this train wreck_.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving towards the end of the series. Hope everyone is still enjoying it!  
> Kudos and Comments = love, and keep me going!

Slamming his bag down on the couch, Kyo stormed around his flat for a good thirty minutes before the adrenaline that fueled his argument with Natsu, drained from his body. Stopping in the middle of the room, Kyo drew a deep breath “What the fuck have I done?” Moving slowly, Kyo slumped back into the couch, throwing his head back and staring at the ceiling. Reaching up, Kyo pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to avoid the headache that was sure to present itself by the end of the evening. Sitting up, he reaches for his phone, opens it and starts to dial Koichi, “He’s not home from work yet, shit.” Snapping the phone closed quickly. Opening the phone again, he chooses the contact and dials.

                “ _Maeta, it’s Kyo. Do you have time to see me today? Sure, I can leave now. Thanks_.”

 

                “I have to say I was surprised by your call, we haven’t spoken professionally in quite a while.” Maeta had located Kyo’s file with some difficulty, due to years gone by since his patients last visit. “What can I help you with, today Kyo?” Maeta settled back in his chair, reminding himself that this could be a lengthy session. “You know that Koichi and I are dating, and you know the background of the situation” Kyo paused. “There is another situation, that I’m having a hard time understanding why I’m even involved.” Kyo went on to describe his past and current relationship with Uta. Maeta remembered Uta quite well, as the young man had been a patient of his, following the man’s rape and attack. “How much time has passed between Uta and Koichi? Months? Weeks?” Maeta always encouraged specific time lines, as it was easier to establish cause.

                “Maybe two or three months at the most. Not long.” Kyo had his eyes closed, which to Maeta meant he was having difficulty facing his problem. “Open your eyes, Kyo. No hiding of emotions allowed.” Maeta chided gently. “You can not face what you refuse to see.” Kyo explained the incident that day at the HBG with Natsu, and the argument with Koichi about Tatsu. “Are you sure Koichi is going to leave you? And what proof do you have of that?” Kyo rolled his eyes at Maeta. “Um, you’re not ignorant Doc, it’s your profession to observe. You know as well as I do, that Koichi and Tatsu will reconcile, and it’s just a matter of time.” Kyo stared at the floor, trying to collect his thoughts. “What about Uta, what is it that concerns you? You were not an item for long, why is he a problem for you?”

                This was the question that Kyo couldn’t answer for himself, why he so concerned about Uta and his new relationship with Natsu. “Doc if I knew, I wouldn’t have called you, would I? You tell me, why do I care so much about Uta and who he’s dating? You’re correct, we only dated for six months, but I have always felt a great deal for the boy and his nightmarish life during the incidents around Morrie, and the attacks.” Maeta wrote a few notes. “Let me ask you this instead; what don’t you like about…Natsu, specifically please.”

                “He’s taking advantage of Uta’s vulnerability for sure, but there is something lurking just below the surface with Natsu, I can’t pinpoint it yet. I believe he’s going to hurt Uta, I’m talking cruel and vicious, physically and emotionally. I tend to pay attention to my gut feelings, they’re usually correct, but this one, Doc. I’m not so sure.” Maeta nodded, scribbling more notes. “Kyo, I’m going to ask you a question, that I would like you to really consider, before answering it. No knee jerk reaction, just solid contemplation. Do you feel the need to rescue, Uta? Whether it be lingering feelings or some other unknown entity? Is this the same feeling you had when you rescued Koichi?”

                Kyo considered both questions, but hesitated when the word _rescue_ was the key element, in his response. After several minutes, Kyo had an answer. “Yes. I have to honestly say yes; the word rescue is exactly what I’m feeling. I rescued Uta in a sense, by having him lead a normal life with a boyfriend and being happy. That fell through, from no fault but my own. Yes, I rescued Koichi, but I had ulterior motives. I have loved Koichi, or been in love with him, since the day I met him, right after his attack, when he was searching for a therapist. But of course, I would never have acted on it, if it had not been for the problems with Tatsu. I can say that I literally swooped in for the kill.” The words that Kyo used to describe his feelings were of special interest to Maeta.

                “You used the term ‘swooped in for the kill’, would you call it fair, to assume that you meant to kill any love Koichi might have had for Tatsu, when you moved into a relationship with him?” Kyo was staggered at Maeta’s interpretation of his feelings towards Koichi. “If I did, I wasn’t consciously aware of it. I’ve never tried to keep…wait.” Kyo stopped. Maeta raised an eyebrow, glancing up from his notebook. “I may have tried to keep them apart, consciously or subconsciously, by using sex, as a means to drive out any good memories Koichi would have had about Tatsu. Oh my god… I’m a true piece of shit.” Kyo bent forward, elbows on his knees, head in his hands.

                “I wouldn’t go that far, Kyo. You’re human, you’re a man in love, and you tried whatever you believed was necessary to keep your lover from leaving.” Kyo mumbled something under his breath. “It’s obvious what I tried, didn’t work. Kou is still going to leave me, and now I’ve driven Uta away as well.” Maeta checked the time, it had already been almost two hours, but for this special patient, the appointment probably could have run another two hours.

                “This is what I suggest you do, Kyo. You back off of everything, back off anticipating, guessing, or questioning Koichi on your assumption that he’s leaving you. In regards to Uta, you may want to talk to him, apologize and wish him well. I also suggest that you turn your thoughts inward, to discover why you feel the need to rescue others, and not yourself. If you’d like, we can continue to meet weekly, or we can do a as needed open appointment. It’s your choice right now, Kyo.”

                Kyo thanked Dr. Maeta and promised to keep him updated on his progress. Making his way home, he checked his phone and noticed that he had missed two of Koichi’s calls. “When I get home, Kou.” Kyo stopped and grabbed a bento from the konbini, deciding he didn’t want to see Koichi tonight, that they both needed their space. _It would only turn into another argument, I have to stop doing this. Maeta’s right, it’s all an assumption, but a certain assumption_.

                “ _Hey, no I just walked in. Just out walking, trying to cool my ridiculous temper. I’m sorry it went the way it did. Yes, it was. No, I’m staying in tonight. I’ll call you at some point tomorrow. Okay, bye_.” 

                _It has to start today, and this is the beginning. Now I have to call Uta, and fix that_.

                                                                                                !

 

                “ _Hi, I just wanted to call and apologize. I know I was an asshole. I only want what’s best for you, truly. Are you serious about Natsu? You’re right, it is none of my business. Again, my apologies. Yes, I will. Please Uta, take care of yourself. If you ever do need me, you have my number. Ja ne_ ”

 

                _Well, that’s done. Rescuing people, is that what I do? And then trap them somehow? Keeping them close to me by using sex? Damn! I’m a complete asshole, and can’t keep Koichi with me, by using sex. If he leaves me, then it means that we weren’t meant to be forever. Hopefully I was a good soft spot for him to land, when Masa kicked him out of Tatsu’s life_.

                                                                                                !

                _He didn’t say he loved me, he just said bye. So weird, what’s wrong now_? “I hate this, I just want my old life back. Tatsu…please! Can’t we just start over and pretend the last year didn’t happen?” sobbed Koichi. Lying in bed, his knees drawn into his chest, Koichi went over the last year, in his mind. Going from looking for a house to buy, to being alone and divorced, how did his life go so wrong, so quickly? Now it seemed as Kyo was drawing away as well, but surprisingly he wasn’t that upset about it. “It’s not meant to be, Tatsu is the only one.” He whispered in the dark. Teo and Gordy, on a break from running crazily through the flat, climbed into bed with Koichi, snuggling close to their boy who was crying. “When will he be back?” The kittens had no answer.

                _No answer, is he already in bed for the night? Damn, okay…guess I wait until tomorrow, and let him call me_.

                                                                                                !

 

                “Hey, your ride is here! Let’s get you packed up and take you home.” Taka and Sato had arrived at the hospital to give Tatsu a ride back to his flat, after being discharged from the hospital. Grabbing what little he had, Tatsu almost ran towards Sato’s car. “I just need some real food! Shit, means I need to go shopping!” Tatsu groaned. “Nope, already done for you, Tatsu. Taka and I went and bought the basics. You’ve got enough to last a few days, then if you’d like we’ll take you shopping.” Joked Sato. “I got everything cleaned up for you, hope you don’t mind.” Taka was a bit embarrassed. “Taka-kun, thank you. The last thing I really wanted to do when I got home was to clean up. I’d really just like to eat a good meal and sleep in my own bed. Thank you both for taking care of things for me.” Tatsu was so grateful to have great reliable friends.

                Taka really wanted to say something about Tatsu contacting Koichi, or at least letting him tell Kou that Tatsu was out of the hospital, but Sato once again put his foot down. “No, Taka. Leave it alone. If Tatsu wants our help with Kou, then we will. Anything else, we stay out of it.” Taka had flung himself back on their bed faking a tantrum, which earned him a spanking, and some other things, from Sato. “Really? Middle of the day sex? What the hell is wrong with you Sato?” he teased his husband. “There are no rules banning middle of the day sex, just so you know.” Grinned Sato.

 

                Pulling up to the flat, Tatsu sent Sato and Taka home with a wave and a promise to call tomorrow. His friends were still apprehensive about his health, wanting to make sure that he ate properly. Shinya especially was concerned, threatening to slap Tatsu again if he wasn’t taking care with his health. “Shin, if I lose any weight, I give you permission to slap me again.” Tatsu winked at the sensitive man. “But please, warn Miya before you do it, I don’t need leader-san being angry with either one of us.”

                Walking up the stairs to the flat, Tatsu took a deep breath before opening the door, wondering how it was going to affect him. He slowly pushed the door open, and stood in the genkan for a moment. “There’s nothing here for me anymore, not a damned thing.” He shook his head, wishing for nothing more than a loving ‘tadaima’ from Koichi, but was met with unnerving quiet. “Going to have to fix this.” Throwing his small bag onto the bed in the office, Tatsu went about making himself a large bowl of udon, and grabbed a water, knowing that all alcohol was off the menu for the foreseeable future.

                Grabbing his laptop, he went through and deleted a ridiculous amount of emails, but also checked the Mucc site, amazed at the amount of well wishes he had received from the fans, and especially the fans that had been at the live, when he had collapsed. “I need to thank them somehow, guess I’ll call management at some point.”  He quickly went to the file that he felt was most important; the list of houses Koichi and he had been saving, before Masa destroyed their world. Looking through the list, he found three or four that interested him a great deal. He tried to remember which one’s Kou had liked, but almost a year later, he couldn’t remember. Instead, he went through each of the listings, making notes on what he thought Koichi would approve of.

                “Wow, I am optimistic, aren’t I?” he laughed at himself, believing without a doubt that he and Koichi would once again, be together. Thinking for a moment, he decided to jump in with both feet and take a chance. He texted Koichi;

                “ _Hi, just wanted to let you know I’m out of the hospital. Thanks again for the visit_.”

                Within five minutes, his phone buzzed;

                “ _Hi! So glad that you’re home. Of course, I’d visit, I mean honestly Tatsu, it’s not like I hate you or anything, I was scared to death for you_!”

                “Shit! That was quick…” Tatsu was amazed at the quickness of Koichi’s response, and taking another chance, decided to go with it.

                “ _How’s work? Well, DCR work, I pretty much know how the HBG is. Anything new at DCR for you?_ ”

                He waited, hoping that bringing up DCR was a good idea…or not.

                “ _DCR is the same, I’m doing the same work, except for South America this time, which is a problem with the language. The HBG is what’s not the same_.”

                What the hell is wrong at the HBG? Shit I should ask Taka, unless Kou offers up the information. Tatsu was a little worried. Problems at the HBG often time were serious.

                “ _Oh? Troubles? That sucks, nothing serious I hope, I’ll ask Taka when I see him next_.”

                It was quiet for at least five minutes, when Tatsu decided it best to sign off.

                “ _Hope you’re well, I’ll see you around at some point, don’t be a stranger! Ja ne_ ”

 

                On the other side of that conversation, was a red-faced, heart racing Koichi, who was in a slightly euphoric mood. _He texted me! He just got out of the hospital, but he texted me? Shit_. He had seen Kyo’s text and really didn’t want to do anything about it, it surely didn’t make his heart race like Tatsu’s texts…which bothered him a bit.

                Tatsu was also in a euphoric mood, head thrown back on the couch, heart racing, and face flushed. That went well, wonder what the hell is going on at the HBG? Stuff with Kyo and Koichi? What else could it be? Tatsu relaxed on the couch, until his eyes grew heavy. Cleaning up his dinner dishes, Tatsu took a long hot shower, and put on real sleep pants and finally climbed into his bed, that had nice clean sheets on it. “Thank you Taka-kun” he whispered before he let the darkness take him.

                                                                                                !

 

                What the hell was that noise? Fuck…annoying! Prying open his eyes, Tatsu was disoriented, not remembering right away that he was at home and not in the hospital. Reacting to the noise, Tatsu found that it was his cell phone vibrating on the night table.  “Rise and shine, Cupcake!” a very happy voice announced. “Yukke, you’d better have a damned good reason to be calling me in the middle of the night!” Tatsu had his arm thrown over his eyes. “Middle of the night? Tatsu it’s 10am…why are you still sleeping?” Tatsu groaned. “Maybe because I didn’t get shit for sleep in the hospital. So, why are you calling me this early?” He could hear Kai in the background, giggling. “We’re taking you to breakfast! So, get your ass out of bed and cleaned up! We’ll be there in thirty minutes.” Tatsu closed his phone and chuckled. “Yes sir.” Getting out of bed, Tatsu jumped in the shower and was ready in twenty minutes, which of course he made sure that Yukke knew he was early.

 

                Sitting at the café by the beach, Tatsu looked around the table at his friends, listening to the multiple conversations that were going on at the same time. Resting is chin in his palm and looking thoughtful, the only thing that was wrong with the picture in front of him was that one person was missing; Koichi. As he thought of Koichi, he had forgotten to ask Taka what was happening at the HBG. “Taka, I was texting with Koichi last night, and…” Everyone stopped talking at once, turning to gape openly at Tatsu. “What? I just texted him to let him know I was home, not like I asked him to come over and have sex.” Tatsu coughed, “Anyway, he said that you’d been having problems at the HBG? I didn’t ask for specifics, but is there something going on?”

                “Well, we’ve had a run in between a few people, that’s all. It’s nothing serious, just a misunderstanding.” Taka lied. “Taka, just tell him,” Sato scolded. “Shit, okay. Here’s the issue. We have a new security guy, his name is Natsu and for whatever reason, nobody seems to like him, except for Uta, and they’ve been dating for a while.” Taka looked down at the table and shook his head, “Until day before yesterday, when Kyo and Natsu got a little physical, pushing and shoving but no blows thrown.” Shinya choked a little. “Kyo? In a fight? How did I not know of this?” Taka shrugged. “Not sure, Koichi and I had to break them up, and I sent Natsu away, and told Kyo to go home. I haven’t heard from Kyo or Koichi since then, although Kou’s not scheduled to work until tomorrow.” Sato then looked at his husband and nodded.

                “Um, that’s not all. I guess right before Kyo and Natsu got physical with each other, Koichi and Kyo were arguing, with Kou telling Kyo to fuck off. I have no idea what it was about, I mean I can guess, but that would be, speculation on my part and I didn’t ask Koichi about it.” Tatsu was shaking his head, “Is that all? Why were Kyo and this Natsu guy fighting?” Taka sighed. “Everyone is worried about Uta, Aki totally hates Natsu, and Kyo doesn’t like him either. He just warned Uta to be careful around Natsu, and that’s when he got in Kyo’s face. This whole thing scared Uta, he doesn’t know what to do. Like a lot of us, we just wish everything would be normal again and everyone would be happy.”

                Tatsu leaned back in his chair. He knew why Koichi was fighting with Kyo, but kept it to himself. “Wow, that’s pretty fucked up. What’s going to happen with this Natsu guy? If he’s security for the HBG, he will see Uta when he’s working, right?” Taka shook his head, “No, I told them both, they are off limits to each other during work hours. Natsu’s a little weird, I can’t really pinpoint it either. He seems to care about Uta, walks him to the train station at night, Uta says he has to call Natsu when he gets home to let him know he’s safe. There’s just something that doesn’t feel right, and it could just be Aki, Kyo and I are hyper sensitive with Uta, I mean shit, we have reason to be. But I think there’s also something between Uta and Kyo that’s not being said.” Taka turned to Shinya, “Please don’t bring it up with Kyo, I’m sure he’d probably want to kick my ass if he knew we were talking like this.” Shinya smiled, “He’ll most likely bring it up himself the next time I see him. He rarely keeps any thing from me.”

                Tatsu started to dwell on the Kyo/Koichi problem, he was certain that some how he was involved, which he had mixed feelings about. He was hopeful in the possibility that Koichi and Kyo would break up soon, but he didn’t want to hurt Kyo either. No way around it, Kyo was going to get the shit end of the stick in all of the mess that Masa had created. It wasn’t fair to Kyo, he was the true victim in all of the casualties. Tatsu wanted to be greedy, he couldn’t help the fact that there were going to be hurt feelings.

                Taka had texted Koichi, while they were at breakfast.

                “ _You talked to Tatsu last night and didn’t tell me? What the hell? How did it go_?”

                “ _It was late and I didn’t think there was anything really to tell. He just let me know he was home and wanted to say hi. No huge announcement or anything_.” Koichi felt a little guilty. “ _How did you know I texted with Tatsu_?”

                Oh, shit. “ _Um, we’re all here at the beach café having breakfast, and he asked me about what was going on at work_.”

                “ _OMG! You didn’t say anything about Kyo did you? Please, Taka tell me you didn’t_!”

                “ _I just told him about the Kyo Natsu thing, not about your argument, don’t’ worry. He doesn’t know._ ” Shit.

                “Um, guys I’m texting with Kou, please, PLEASE don’t say anything about his argument with Kyo! I told him we just talked about the Uta and Natsu issue.” Taka pleaded with his friends. Sato groaned, “Taka, you need to stay out of all of this! You’re going to get yourself in a lot of trouble if you keep poking your nose in.” Sato scolded his husband. Taka turned beet red in embarrassment. “Yes, DAD!” He snarked at Sato, which created a collective giggle at the table. Taka then turned back to his phone.

                “ _Hey, can you come over today? I just need a bestie day, we can get lunch if you want_?”

                “ _Sure, I’m not working, Aki is opening and the boss is closing. Around_ 2?”

                “ _That’ll work! See you then._ ”

                Everyone finished up their breakfast and the small party broke up, everyone having different engagements elsewhere. Tatsu stopped Taka with a hand on his shoulder, “It’s okay Taka, nothing said here will get back to Kou. Thanks for telling me what’s going on.” Tatsu pulled the young man in a grateful hug, glad that Koichi had such a kind and caring friend. “I just want what’s best for Koichi, and you’re it, Tatsu. I doubt anyone would argue that. I love you both!” Sato gently pulled his husband away, leading everyone to their cars.

 

                “Shinya? Hi, um, I know you were just with Taka and everyone at breakfast, but do you have time today to stop by when Taka comes over, I need some serious advice.”

                                                                                                !

 

                “Was…is he looking better?” Koichi needed to know, he had to figure out his next move. “He does look better, Kou-kun, he’s still underweight, but his hair and skin look much healthier.” Shinya held Koichi’s hand, Taka sitting across from them in Koichi’s living room. “I was surprised when he texted me, I wish I could say he sounded happy, maybe he texted happy?” giggled Koichi. Taka snorted “How does one text happy, Kou? With little emoji’s and flowers?” Koichi threw a couch pillow at him. “You know exactly what I mean Taka, asshole.” “You love me though, don’t you?” Taka threw the pillow back at Koichi, hitting Shinya instead. “OH! Sorry, Shin!”

                “Boys… anyways. What did you want to talk to me about Kou-kun? I have a guess but I want to make sure we’re thinking the same way.” Shinya knew it would be about Kyo. “I’m starting to think that Kyo is pulling away from me, and honestly, I’m not upset about it. But I don’t want to hurt him! He’s been nothing but kind and loving. But…” Kou looked down at his hands, a tear dropping onto his lap. “I want to be with Tatsu. I don’t know how long until I can do that, I know I have trust issues that we need to work through, but it’s unfair for me to keep leading Kyo on like this.” Looking up at his friends, Koichi’s eyes were filled with tears. “Kou-kun, you only have to be honest with your feelings, Kyo’s not a stupid man, he ultimately knows that you and Tatsu will want to reconcile, he’s just not ready for that to happen yet. But, you both need to be honest, or it won’t work and the breakup with you will be devastating for Kyo, and I know you don’t want that. Nobody does.”

                “Shinya, what do you think is the issue with Uta and Kyo?” Taka wanted to throw their weird relationship into the mix. “That I’m not so sure about, Taka-kun. I didn’t believe that Kyo had that much of an attachment to Uta-kun, perhaps we’ve all been wrong? It’s obvious he cares for the boy, he was willing to get physical with Natsu over it. But I don’t have a clue to his motives.” The three men sat quietly, until Teo raced into the room, barreled over Shinya and ran into the kitchen, seconds later, Gordy came in, ran over the top of Koichi, over the back of the couch, in hot pursuit of Teo.”

                “What the hell?” laughed Shinya, “Bonsai run…that’s what I’ve been calling Gordy’s attacks on Teo. Poor Teo, Gordy doesn’t give him a minute of rest.” They all watched as Teo tore back through the living room and down the hall, screaming when Gordy caught up to him. “I guess I don’t really have an answer for you in regards to Kyo, Kou-kun, I’m sorry. You’re going to have to deal with it, day to day, and don’t’ make any rash decisions if you can help it. How Kyo’s going to react, I really can’t predict. He could accept it quietly, or he could lose it and it’s a bombshell. All we can do is prepare for the worst and hope for the best.”

                “ _Will you be home tonight? I’d like to come over_.”

 

                                                                                                !

                “Hey,” Kyo said quietly. “Hi, I haven’t seen you since the HBG thing, are you okay?” Koichi was genuinely concerned, he did love Kyo, unfortunately not the way Kyo wanted to be loved, not anymore. “Yah, I’m sorry that happened, I just don’t trust this Natsu character at all. There’s something dark about him, and I’m scared for Uta. I’m sorry that it came off differently, I didn’t mean it to.” Kyo sat on the couch, next to Koichi, and held his hand. The couple sat quietly for a while, neither one brave enough to start the next conversation. Koichi wanted to talk about it, but he sensed Kyo’s fragile state of mind, and avoided being the one to bring the topic up. He had to say something, “Um, Tatsu is out of the hospital, and at home. Taka told me last night. He said that Tatsu’s looking better, but not 100% yet.” Koichi held his breath, waiting for the storm. “Good, hopefully he can stay healthy. He came so close to…” Kyo didn’t need to finish the sentence.

                Taking a deep breath, Koichi dove in. “What are you feeling about, in regards to Uta? I’m trying to understand, I don’t want to fight about it. But I’m trying to understand why you seem so jealous when you see Uta with Natsu.” Kyo shook his head. “I don’t even know, Kou. I went to see Maeta that very night. We talked about me having to rescue people. I rescued Uta, keeping him in a safe relationship after the rape. I saved you, from god knows what, when the whole Masa thing went down. I guess I’m still trying to save you, for myself.” The air in the room felt heavy, suffocating even. Koichi looked at his lover. “Kyo, I’m sorry. I have nothing else to say, I don’t know if there is anything else for me to say. I love you, I love what you’ve done for me, what you’ve been for me. Please don’t ever doubt that.”

“I’ll answer for you Kou, you love Tatsu. I know that, I’ve always known that. I also know that if Masa had never happened, I wouldn’t have even had a chance to be with you. Masa is the only reason, he’s the only reason for a lot of things.” Kyo leaned his head over, falling into Koichi’s lap. Koichi could see the tears falling, soaking into his jeans. He slowly started carding Kyo’s hair, stroking his face gently, trying to sooth a heart that was soon going to be broken. “Kyo, I love you. I wish I could love you the way you want me to, but I can’t and I don’t think it’s you. I doubt I could love anyone the same way I’ve loved…I love Tatsu. It’s just not possible, and I can’t explain it.”

As they sat there, both with tears filling their eyes, Koichi trying to comfort a heart broken man, who wanted nothing more than to love the boy of his dreams, Kyo made a decision. Sitting up, wiping his face, he turned to gaze at Koichi. “I told you once, that if you ever wanted to reconcile with Tatsu, I’d do everything in my power to make that happen. I’m going to step aside Kou, because I know it’s the right thing to do. There is no way in hell, that I would keep you to myself, if it made you unhappy. I’m not going to make a scene, scream at Tatsu when I see him, fight with you or have any of our friends angry over my actions. Kou, you’re Tatsu’s _adorable Kou_ , you always have been, you always will be. There is no one else in this world, that I want to make happy, then you. If being with Tatsu makes you happy, it’s what I want. I love you Koichi, and I always will. But I’d rather have your life long friendship, than have you as a lover against your will. I want no resentment to build up between us, ever. I don’t want any awkwardness either, so please, don’t feel like you have to spare my feelings anytime we’re near each other, alright? You’ll also be my adorable Kou, and thank you for loving me.”  Kyo rose and walked to the door, “I love you, Koichi.” Opening the door, Kyo walked out of Koichi’s love life, but remained a friend. Koichi stared at the door for a long time, wishing he had been able to love Kyo more than he could, but he knew that would have been impossible. After gaining the knowledge that Tatsu had effectively been forced to leave him, there was no way that Koichi wouldn’t then fight for Tatsu’s love again. He knew that it would take time, to build trust between them, but the fact that he was no longer going to hide his love for Tatsu from Kyo, he felt instant relief.

Now what do I do? Call Tatsu? Wait? Tell Shinya or Taka? These were the thoughts that consumed Koichi for the next few days, not knowing how to proceed to regain his life with Tatsu. He knew that they just couldn’t jump right into where they had left off, which was where? Looking to buy a house, that was the last thing they did together. Nope, not ready for that. Dating? Um, not even sure I’m ready for that either. I’m sure he’ll hear about this from Miya, via Shinya via Kyo, it’s only a matter of time. That was the only thing that was clear. Time. 

                 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where I'm going with this. The overwhelming urge to write, whether or not it makes sense... I'm not sure.


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